Page 58 of Coffee & Cuffs
Hustling Sam across the parking lot and up the stairs, Carson was relieved they didn’t meet any resistance. As they stepped inside the apartment, Carson was glad he’d told Sam to bump the heater up, so they walked into warmth and comfort.
“Come on, baby, let’s get you dressed for the night.”
“I really don’t need you to—”
Carson placed his finger over Sam’s plump lips, regretting that the gloss Sam often wore was missing. “Daddy is here to take care of his baby doll. You worked a full shift and then had to deal with the bullshit of that reporter. Let me spoil you.”
“But you worked all day too and then had to deal with all that drama as well,” Sam pointed out.
Oh, his sweet boy. “And the best way to finish my evening is being the Daddy you need.”
Sam pressed his lips together while giving him a skeptical look.
Carson chuckled, drawing Sam down the hall to the master bedroom. He flipped on the light before continuing to the bed where he sat and pulled Sam onto his lap. “Are you listening to me?”
“Yes.”
“The same way that you relax by regressing is how I relax by having a partner to take care of. So much is out of my hands on a daily basis, but here with you, I can be in charge and know that I can provide what you need.”
“I’ve heard our dynamic explained that way, but I can’t say I really understand it. I know what I get out of this relationship but it’s hard to imagine that you want to stick around for all this trouble. Because make no mistake, if that reporter did get me on tape, dressed like this, my father is going to be angry.”
This wasn’t the first time that Carson had to explain what his needs meant for him, but it was the first time that the answer meant so much to him. “I need to take care of you, Sam. It might sound horrible, but I need you to need me. I haven’t told you much about the boy I had before you.”
Sam’s fingers gripped his suit jacket. “I always got the feeling he wasn’t someone that you wanted to talk about.”
Carson sighed. This shouldn’t be so hard but admitting to his own mistakes made Carson feel like a failure. “It’s difficult for me to talk about. It’s not that I don’t want to share with you, but I also don’t want you to doubt that I can take care of you.”
He received his first smile since he’d walked in the kitchen.
“I have no doubts that you’ll be the best Daddy ever.”
“I appreciate that,” Carson replied. “I made a lot of mistakes with Billy but probably the worst was thinking I could fix everything for him on my own.”
Sam nodded in encouragement even as he rubbed his hand up and down Carson’s chest. It was actually very soothing.
“Billy came from a very wealthy family who gave him everything he could ever want. They ignored his unruly behavior to save face with friends and society. Because his family always had anything negative swept under the rug, Billy never had to face the consequences for his actions.”
Sam winced.
“He was so pretty, and I know now that I got caught up because he paid attention to me. I had no idea that he already knew I worked in narcotics and thought of me as a challenge. At least, at first, but I do think that he had some feelings for me.”
“Of course he did,” Sam responded. “He’d be crazy not to fall for you.”
Carson shook his head. “In the beginning, he hid his drug use from me but eventually I found out. I tried to get him help. I paid for program after program to get him clean. I should have walked away but I was convinced that if I loved him enough, if I took better care of him, he wouldn’t need the drugs.”
“That…that’s not on you,” Sam told him. “I’ve seen what drugs can do to people.”
“Billy got worse instead of better. The drugs…they had too big of a hold on him. He didn’t want to quit. He liked doing drugs and never had to worry about money or getting caught because of his family. Eventually it was too much and he overdosed.” That was as much of the story that Carson could get out.
“I’m sorry that you lost him. That’s terrible and I hope eventually you’ll be able to tell me about good times with Billy.”
Sam was understanding and such a sweet thing. Carson knew how lucky he was. He never expected to find another boy or trust himself again.
“One of the reasons I stayed away was because I was scared to start something with you when I knew that I would need to take care of you. I’m a Daddy to my core. It’s not something that I can push down. I’ve tried.”
“But you still called and texted me.”
“I made mistakes with Billy, and I can see that now. He wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, especially not the dynamic that we had. As stupid as it sounds, he wasn’t mature enough to healthily engage in a Daddy and boy dynamic. You were so different from the beginning. Even though you regress and engage in little behavior, you don’t use that as an excuse for bad behavior. You take your responsibilities seriously, care about others more than yourself, and I can trust you. Deep down I never trusted Billy. You are so different and even with our unique dynamic can be a true partner.”