Page 65 of Mafia and Protector

“Do you love each other?”

“We’re…fond of each other. In an arranged marriage, love grows with time.”

I couldn’t believe I was repeating the empty words I had heard so often parroted by my mother and aunts. Especially when I knew that I was in love with Rafael…and that Rafael couldn’t never love me back.

It was like I was on a never-ending rollercoaster. Whenever I thought about Rafael, my heart would soar and I would feel giddy. Then the rollercoaster would swoop downward, and I would remind myself that he would never feel the same way about me, causing a pit of hurt and longing deep inside of me.

I hadn't been a virgin upon our marriage, and thus I was unfit to be his wife.

I tried to convince myself that I should be grateful that he had not sought an annulment and that I had not been humiliated in that way. But the reality was that I wanted more. I wanted a real marriage, with real love.

Being near Rafael made my heart beat faster, my pulse race faster, and my core clench tighter. I had fallen in love with him, the thought unsettling me every time it skittered across my mind—which was all too often.

I knew that arranged marriages in our world were all about forming bonds and producing the next generation of Made Men, but a small part of me had always hoped that I would be one of the lucky women who found love in their marriage.

Rafael had not annulled the marriage after finding out that I wasn’t a virgin, but I could no longer feel a sense of gratitude about that. Instead, I felt hurt that I couldn’t have the love from him that I so desperately wanted. I knew that was the price I would have to pay for not being a virgin for him.

I told myself that it didn’t matter that he didn’t love me. What had love given me in life so far? My sister, Juliana, loved me, but this world and its stupid rules meant that she could no longer be part of my life. I assumed my parents loved me—they weren’t the sort to tell this to their children—then they had handed me off to a family whose patriarch had raped me.

I told myself that I could manage without Rafael’s love. I was old enough to know that love didn’t mean that everything would be rosy. Instead, it just brought its own set of complications.

But I also knew that this was why I wanted a baby so desperately: I wanted a baby because he or she would be someone I could love, and someone who would love me back wholly and unconditionally. The baby would know nothing of my shame or dishonor—in its eyes, I would be worthy of love.

“Come on, everyone will be home soon, and I need to get dinner started.”

“You’re such a great cook. I hope Rafael and Gabriel appreciate how lucky they are. You like cooking for my brothers, don’t you?”

I paused for a moment while I considered this. “They’re my family now, and they take care of me. I guess cooking and organizing the house is my way of taking care of them.”

This whole conversation about my marriage had been painful, so I swiftly changed the subject. “You better put that skirt away before your brothers see how short it is and make you take it back to the store.”

***

Gabriel arrived home midway through dinner that evening, which was unusual because it was a Monday and he usually made a big effort to be home on time for the Monday Port-Mortem, given that this meal was in reality a business meeting between the brothers.

I knew that Gabriel had already spoken to Nate earlier in the evening about missing his training today, and although Nate was sullen, Rafael said that the chat seemed to have gone well.

“We were wondering where you’d gotten to,” said Rafael, looking carefully at his brother. Even I could tell he was in a vile mood, and it seemed to be about something other than Nate not turning up for his training today. “What’s wrong?”

Gabriel clenched his jaw. “Later,” he ground out, nodding slightly toward Nancia.

I was used to the brothers talking about work over the dinner table, yet Gabriel not wanting to talk about business matters during the Monday Post-Mortem put me slightly on edge.

Perhaps it was because their younger sister was present? Although it was usual for her to be at these Monday dinners because Nate attended them every week now that he was in training for his initiation, and therefore Nancia usually tagged along with him.

Gabriel sat in his usual spot and Nate passed the large dish of spaghetti to him so that he could serve himself. The rest of the dinner passed with some general talk about work, although it was conspicuous that nothing of any importance was really discussed.

Once everyone had finished their food, Gabriel looked at the twins. “Both of you go and do your homework.”

“We’re on school break, so don’t have homework,” responded Nancia in puzzlement.

“Go and watch television then. I need to talk business.”

“I should probably stay then,” commented Nate.

“No, Nate. This doesn’t concern you.”

“But I thought now I’m in training, you wanted me at family meetings so that—”