Page 119 of Love… It's Messy
“Go to sleep, baby.”
Her body relaxes with the weight of a long day on her feet.
She mumbles against my chest, “I wish we could have this forever.”
I kiss her head and keep my head against hers. “Me too.”
thirty-one
IT’S RESULT DAY.
The lobby to Valor County Hospital is crowded today as I make it to my appointment to see Eric Hollenford. I can’t stand that guy. He’s okay as far as doctors go, but it bothers me he kissed Jillian and she actually liked him. He’s the kind of man she should be with if the results are positive and that pisses me off even more.
I’m a selfish bastard, I know.
So much counts on today. Ainsley’s health. My future with Jillian. I understand why Eric put me through a psychological examination before getting tested. This news could kill a man—literally and figuratively.
There’s a trash receptacle nearby, and I resist the urge to lean over and vomit my guts up. I run my hands through my hair and head toward the elevator.
That’s when I hear my name.
“Luke.”
It’s said by a woman. Sultry, raspy … Jillian.
I turn around and am surprised to see her here. Her hair is in a bun, and she’s wearing a jogging suit, the kind she hates to leave the house in. Her skin is splotchy, and those gorgeous green eyes are bloodshot.
My girl’s been crying.
I want to walk up to her, hold her, kiss her soft lips, and ask her what’s wrong. But I know the answer. What’s wrong is me. Until I get upstairs and learn the truth, I can’t be with her. Sill, I’m relieved as fuck that she’s here. I need her like a dying man in the desert needs water. I can’t take a damn drink though. Still, I told her not to come today.
“Jillian, you can’t come upstairs with me. The results could be horrible, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at you and brace for what they have to say at the same time.”
“I’m not going upstairs,” she says sternly.
I nod. Understanding. I don’t want her upstairs, and she’s honoring my request.
“Neither are you,” she adds.
I’m confused by her statement, and I’m pretty sure the expression on my face says just that.
She shifts on her feet, then takes a step closer, closing the distance between us. “I told you that knowledge is power, and I was right. The knowledge of this disease has the power to heal and the power to destroy. If you find out you’re positive, you’ll never love Ainsley as freely as you should. You’ll keep her at arm’s length, waiting for your first symptoms to start, panic that she has it too, and never forgive yourself for potentially giving her the gene as well. You’ll run away before she has a chance to know you—to truly love you not only as her father, but also as a man. I won’t let you do that to her.”
I rub my hand along the back of my neck. This wasn’t the plan. I was supposed to go upstairs and find out the results. She’s not supposed to be here, messing with my head even more.
“What about her future? Ainsley needs to know.”
“If you show signs, we’ll get you tested. When she’s eighteen, she can make the choice herself to get tested.”
I swallow down the emptiness and regret. “No. We chose this for a reason. I’m doing this for you.”
“I was wrong to convince you that this was the only solution. Luke, you’ve given up so much, stayed away from us for so long. Even if those results come back negative, you’ll never stop blaming yourself for the past. You’ll be even angrier at yourself for wasting time on a disease you never had. Positive or negative, whatever’s on that paper will only destroy you.”
She’s right. No matter what the results are, I’m damned either way. There’s no changing that because it’s the way I’m built as a man.
She takes a step forward. Her small hands fiddle with one another. “If you do have the gene, why waste the next ten, twenty, thirty years on something that will destroy you whether you want it to or not? Live in the moment. Love in the moment. Love Ainsley.” She swallows down the shakiness in her throat. “Love me.”
“I do love you, Jillian. That’s why I’m doing this. I love Ainsley beyond measure because I’m her father, but you … I choose you. You’re the only woman who will ever be right for me. The only woman I love enough to walk away.”