Page 59 of Breaking Bristol

“What stopped you?” she whispered.

“Ego.”

Her nose scrunched. “What?”

“I’ve been boxing since I was four. I know how to defend, how to brawl, how to protect, but most importantly, how to keep my cool. And I just… in a situation like that night, my head should have been clear, and it was all fucked up. I’d never felt that kind of rampant rage when he got close to you, and I exploded. You deserve better than that.”

She pulled her feet beneath her butt and turned to me. “My ex hurt me. Violence is a trigger, but—”

“What’s his name?”

“I’m not telling you, and for now, that’s all you’re going to get. But honestly you already knew, didn’t you?” I jerked my head in confirmation. It was pretty obvious as soon as I got to know her. “When I’m ready, I’ll tell you more, okay?”

“Whatever you want, whenever you’re ready.”

“That being said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you because you kicked some guy’s ass who was trying to hurt me.”

My chin jutted out. “Are you for real?”

“I’m not lying.”

“I want you to feel safe with me, not like I’ve got this anger that you have to fear because I would never let that touch you. Ever. If anything, you take it away, which is just one of the million reasons I want to protect you.”

“I’m not afraid of you. And honestly, Matthew, this past week without you, or hell, any time over the past couple of months that we weren’t together, were the only times I didn’t feel safe.” She gazed up at me, her eyes glistening with emotion. “With you, I didn’t worry about anything. Being with you does make me feel safe. But we’re still learning about each other, we’re going to hit road blocks and make mistakes, we’re not perfect and—”

I cut her off. “You are.”

“Nobody is.”

“You’re absolutely the perfect woman for me,” I insisted.

“I know.”

I grinned. “Wow. Aren’t you the arrogant one?”

“I know that because you tell me.” She took the last swallow of her wine. “You’ve given me no reason to doubt you, so why wouldn’t I believe what you tell me? But I understand that by me not telling you I knew about what happened, that it makes you not trust me. So when I say you’re exactly what I want, I get why you don’t believe me.”

“Come here.”

She set her glass on the little table, dropped the blanket, and sat on my lap. I tucked some stray hairs behind her ear, then brought my hand down to her neck, gently wrapping my fingers around it, and rubbed my thumb across her jaw. “It’s me I don’t trust, Bristol.” I planted my feet on the porch and sat up to get closer to her. “I froze for a second. I had all these… these visions of what happened in that parking lot but it wasn’t just that. It was bizarre, like a montage of everything, including my brother’s eyes as he took his last breath. But mainly it was Gage’s head split open and imagining that being Chris.” I couldn’t explain it, but I tried. “You see, it wasn’t that I was afraid of me doing that to him in the parking lot.”

“Then what was it?” she asked quietly.

“I wanted to do that to him.”

Her body stiffened, but she didn’t pull away. “Okay.”

“After seeing how Rowdy reacted to you, then what the piece of shit did to Paris? When you caught his eye and he lunged toward you, I wanted to kill him, and I knew I could. I’ve done it before unintentionally, so what would happen if I actually tried? What happens if we’re out and Gray isn’t there to get between me and Rowdy, or if someone else fucks with you and I can’t stop?” I scrubbed a hand across my face and admitted hoarsely, “I don’t know how to articulate the way I feel when it comes to you. But what I’d do to protect you…”

“Are you done?”

My jaw was tight as was the nod I gave her in response. She started to move, to get off me, and despite wanting never to let her go, I loosened my arms so she could slide out. I knew it was too much.

She moved toward the door, then called my name. I didn’t want to look at her walking away from me, so I didn’t. I kept my head bowed and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting to hear the door slam closed.

“Matthew, look at me.” I pressed my lips together and gave her what she wanted. “Are you coming inside or what?”

“Are you serious?”