Page 113 of Rise & Fall

Even though I was ninety-nine percent positive that I was not pregnant—forget everything save the literal test result saying I am, or was, infertile—it only took forty-six seconds for the test to reveal that I am, in fact, pregnant.

I should be happy, right? This is what I wanted.

But it’s too soon for me to be having someone’s kid. Especially someone who already has their life together and has their own family. And shouldn’t I be married before having children?

I look up at Nolan who is taking turns between staring at me and the positive pregnancy test. I can’t make out what his expression resembles. Is it confusion? Anger?

I don’t know how to feel or what I should think. I want this to be the happiest day of my life as it should be for any woman whose dream is to be a mom.

What if it’s false and what the doctor said is true? What if this scares Nolan and he wants absolutely nothing to do with news like this, one way or the other.

What if I am pregnant and he doesn’t want to stick around?

What if I fail at being a mother?

So many thoughts and emotions swirl around in my head, each one fighting for the spotlight that I can’t give them right now. Because the only thing I can focus on is Nolan’s reaction, which hasn’t given me much since he approached.

I need him to say something, anything. Gosh, this is the scariest moment of my life when I should be ecstatic.

“Dakota?” Nolan’s voice brings me back to the moment.

I look up at him, his dark brown eyes drown out the shadows in the hallway somehow. He’s giving me all of his attention; his gaze is lowered and covetous. Sparing me no mercy when it comes to his eye contact and the heat of his stare is burning everywhere. He reaches behind me and places the pregnancy test on the counter before pulling me back into the bathroom with him.

Nerves start to shatter all throughout my body; every beat of my heart feels like it’s about to pop out of my chest.

Nolan closes the door and unintentionally pins me against it, the bathroom being too small for the both of us, and suddenly his six-foot two-inch stature seems overwhelming.

“You’re pregnant,” he says, his tone hushed and soft.

My back is against the door, he’s standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

“That’s what the test says.” I nod over to the test, clear as day. The word of my potential fate displayed in blinking letters.

“I have to ask,” he starts and here’s where the guilt and the regret starts to kick in. I can see it on his face that he doubts the news, almost as much as I do.

“Yes, Nolan. I’m sure it’s yours.” I lean back further into the door crossing my arms over my chest, but not in anger. It’s more so a crestfallen gesture.

I blow out a solid breath.

“That’s not what I was going to ask,” he tells me and something warm crawls around inside of me.

“Then what?” I ask, feeling a bit embarrassed that I assumed that’s what he’d ask.

“How do you feel about this?” His true question hits me harder than the actual possibility of a positive pregnancy test itself.

Not that I expected anyone to ask or care, but hearing one person ask me about my feelings slams into the ventricles of my heart. My ambivalence about wanting something so badly but not knowing if it’s the right thing to do stabs me in my chest as I try to think of how to answer his question.

There’s not a discernible thought in my head that I can even imagine putting into words. Everything is racing a thousand miles an hour and I can’t seem to grasp the line of reality over what feels like could be a really bad dream.

“I don’t know how to feel,” I admit keeping my response simple seeing as that’s all I have right now. “It’s too much, Nolan. I just—” I pause, trying to prevent myself from letting go of any unwanted tears while still playing with the idea that this might actually be real.

Nolan reaches for my hand, tangling our fingers together and he brings the back of my hand to his lips and presses a promising kiss to my skin.

“Tell me, baby. What do you want?” He continues to spread kisses across my hand and fingers.

“I want to be a mom.” As soon as the last word leaves my mouth, Nolan lifts me up by the backs of my knees, making my legs hook around his torso as he leans me against the door.

He presses into me. I wrap my arms around his neck out of habit, wanting to hold on to him. His lips are at mine and his kiss is feverish, like he’s been deprived for so long of something he wants, and he can finally have it.