Page 129 of Rise & Fall
I tried to reach for her, but she collapsed, and I had to leave her for a minute to locate my phone. I hated leaving her there unattended even though I needed to call for help.
So when the ambulance came and picked her up, knowing I had to get there separately killed me.
She passed out most likely from the sight of the blood.
The blood and the cramp she felt was from the loss of the baby.
The doctor said it’s not an often occurrence for people to react this way to a miscarriage but she did, and I hate that I can’t comfort her right now.
Why her?
Fuck,why us?
I pace back and forth in the eerily silent hallways, the harsh white lights doing nothing but making my anxiety worse. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding, but my body feels numb.
“You can see her now.” I nearly jump when I realize that the doctor had been letting me process my thoughts for the past six minutes.
I tell him thank you and rush into her room.
She’s awake but groggy, and I fall on my knees at the side of her bed. There are wires in her arm and beeping noises going off on machines. Everything is too much, and I don’t know what to say first.
“It’s just Tylenol for the pain and they’re making sure I don’t have a concussion. Crazy how the tables have turned, old man.” Is she really making a joke out of this? Can she really find humor at a time like now?
“Dakota,” I whisper, gripping her hand in mine and mindlessly squeezing, needing to know if she’s okay.
“I’m sorry, I just…” she trails off and then I see the pain shatter against her green eyes, breaking her heart into a million pieces.
“I knew it was too good to be true,” she says in a silent cry. Tears shed down her face, her freckles drowning in a liquid form of heartbreak.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I lean in and kiss her tears, feeling the pain radiate off her. I feel it too.
A loss like this is hard to recover from and I don’t know if we ever will. But I can only do my best to try and help her get through this and anything else that might come our way.
“Tell me what I can do, what do you need from me?” I ask her, keeping my forehead to her temple as our hearts beat in tandem from the damage we both feel.
“I don’t know, Nolan. Just, don’t leave me.” She squeezes my fingers in hers and I feel the tightness of her words constrict around me like a bond. I refuse to ever let her feel pain like this by herself. I’d never wish that on anyone.
“I’m right here, Dakota. I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s not a happy ending.
At least not right now.
But we have each other, and nothing will ever get in the way of us battling whatever we have to battle in order to find our happy ending.
She’s a light in my life I didn’t know I needed, because I was content with living in the dimmed shadows of happiness, never being able to admit that it wasn’t at max capacity.
Don’t get me wrong, my life did make me happy. I have my little girl and a career that I’m passionate about. But I was always too stubborn to admit that something was missing.
I look down at Dakota, seeing her eyes flutter to sleep. My heart aches for her, every beat feels the depression of her loss,ourloss.
I hate to see her broken. I hate knowing that she’s going through something most people will never understand. And she’s strong enough to get through this, I have no doubt, but that doesn’t mean she shouldhaveto get through this.
I press a kiss into her hair, her light snores fill the silence of the hospital room as my heart swells in its chambers, emotion flooding me all at once.
“I love you, Firefly,” I whisper to her, my own tear streaming down my face.
It’s not fair and I’ll never understand. But everything happens for a reason and regardless of what the reason is, there is always something greater that will prevail.