Page 61 of Rise & Fall

I have a spare room. But I really don’t want him under the same roof as me. But I can’t let him just wander the streets. As much as I hate this man with my entire being, I’m not heartless.

“You can sleep in the spare room. But you are to stay in there the whole fucking night. I don’t want you anywhere near me. And you need to be out first thing in the morning. I don’t care where you go or what you do, but I want you out of my life for good, Asher. Delete my number, forget my name. Everything. That understood?” I put my foot down. Literally. I watch as the tears in Asher’s eyes grow more present and I almost,almost, feel sorry for him. But I can’t. He’s a jerk and he really fucked with my heart.

“Yeah, I understand,” he says quietly before making his way down the hall where I pointed out the spare room.

I walk toward the window near my dining room. It’s not big like the one in Nolan’s house, but it’s a window, nonetheless. I hear the click of Asher’s door close shut and a breath I didn’t know I was holding escapes me.

I sit down at the table and open up Nolan’s unread text.

Been thinking about you today. When can I see you again?

Guilt washes over me. Why? I haven’t done anything wrong, but I know that this might look wrong to someone on the outside.

I fight back and forth with wanting to tell him. I don’t want to lie to him or hide anything. I check the time again seeing it’s ten at night. Colorado is two hours behind, meaning Sterling might still be awake. So I decide to ring my best friend for advice.

“Hey, love!” she sing-songs on the second ring.

“Hey, Sterls. I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“No. What’s up?”

“Asher is here,” I tell her, running a hand through my hair.

“He’s…in your apartment?” I hear her tone and can picture her face right now; twisted with confusion and worry.

“You heard correctly. Asshole showed up to my job and everything. He’s a mess, Sterling. Like a belligerent mess. I had to bring him back here,” I tell her before recounting the rest of the night and explain my dilemma.

“Tell him, babe. If I know anything, it’s that keeping anything from your partner could end in flames. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal.” I huff out a very annoyed breath. Because she’s right. And though I don’t like the idea of hiding anything from Nolan, I hate having to explain this to him. I really don’t want to scare him away because of this.

After finishing my conversation with Sterling, I hang up the phone and head into my bedroom, closing the door and locking it to make sure Loser can’t get in. I may not trust him with my heart, but I trust he won’t try to take off with my things.

I lay back in bed and think of when my life was normal, happy. It’s a memory of when my dad was alive, it was my eighth birthday and he bought me my first two-wheel bike. I rode with my training wheels for a long time, longer than most kids, because I was afraid I would fall. I made my dad stand next to me for nearly three hours before finally getting the courage to take off, and of course, I fell almost immediately. I cried and told him that I hated bikes, never wanted to get on one ever again because I was stupid and couldn’t do it.

The twist in his face as pain washed over him, pain because his only child didn’t believe in herself the way he did. And then he told something…“You shouldn’t be afraid of falling. Everyone falls. It means that you’re trying and there’s only one way to go from there. But you also can’t be afraid to rise, little one. Not everyone rises.”

I held on to that. Every day.

You shouldn’t be afraid of falling.

I always told myself that if I get knocked down, I have to be brave enough to get back up. It’s how I handled my dad’s death, managed my way through Asher cheating on me. How I get through anything that tries to take me down.

But what would he say to me now? Would he be disappointed to learn that this time, I am afraid. I’m fucking terrified. Afraid to let someone new in, especially after this bullshit my past lover is pulling on me tonight. Afraid to screw up and fail.

Everyone falls. Not everyone rises.

Might as well rip off the Band-Aid then.

nineteen

Nolan

Hertextcamenearlyforty-five minutes later.

My ex is here.

But I didn’t see it until just now at five in the morning. And I hate that I didn’t wait up for her response. She probably thinks I ghosted her.

But then I remember Dakota isn’t immature like that. Besides, I had an incredible week hanging out with her and I’m sure she felt the same way.