Page 78 of Rise & Fall
I feel that with Dakota. That pulling, aching, desire. That kind of feeling that you want to be able to explore and enjoy. I’ll get that chance; I know I will. But her desire, herone thing, it’s been taken from her.
Her tears die down as I hold her in my arms, still sitting on this uncomfortable ass hospital bed. But it’s not long before there’s a knock at the door and the doctor walks in on us. Dakota makes a quick move to leave my embrace and covers her face as she walks to the end of the bed.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize you’d have company.” The doctor goes over all of my discharge information, ensuring that they feel comfortable with me leaving today as long as I follow care instructions which include no work for up to two weeks.
Like that’s going to happen.
No physically straining activities…also unlikely.
I take a deep breath, thank the doctor for everything and waste no time standing up and walking over to my girl.
It hurts like a bitch, and as much as I’m going to hate walking on these dang crutches the doctor left for me, I’ll have to do it.
But I wobble over to her on my cast for now and pull her back into me, I know she’s not done feeling the wrath of this news.
Her small frame snuggles right in between my chest and my arms, and I can’t help but feather kisses into her hair.
“Dakota, I know it’s not much considering the circumstances. But if it’s any consolation, I think you’d be an amazing mother,” I whisper so quietly, I almost don’t expect her to hear it. But she squeezes me letting me know she heard me.
And though I believe it—I can see her being passionate about parenting, teaching, growing and loving—I can’t help but feel a partial loss as well.
If Dakota is the woman I choose, myone thing, this means that we’d most likely never be able to start a family of our own.
twenty-five
Dakota
It’snotenoughtosay that I’m gutted. But I amconflicted. I’m only twenty-three. I’ll be twenty-four next week. Am I too young to even be considering having a family? Can I really see myself doing that with Nolan knowing I’ve only known him for so long?
Nolan and I are becoming closer every day we spend together. And I find myself more comfortable around him, like family. So, yeah…I can see myself possibly starting a family with him, though the verdict would be that it’s too soon, and I agree. It’s just a thought.
And none of it really matters anyways because it can never happen. Which is another reason why I’m conflicted. I’m too young to find out that having a family of my own will never be a possibility.
I’m also not worthy enough to be accepted into Nolan’s life in that way, knowing he’s already been through all of that with someone else. It’s his world and I don’t think I’ll fit in the way I would need to. I’d be in the way and that’s the last thing I want to do.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued by the idea of us having a kid together. Only because I see how good he is with his own. I love watching him be a dad.
I look over to the man occupying my front seat, the drive from the hospital to his apartment is quiet mostly, having already said too much not long before. I’ve never felt so comfortable sharing deep truths and heart break with someone before. Not the way I feel with him. And he’s accepting of me, all of me. It’s a trust that I never knew I needed to have in someone, but I feel that with him.
We finally get to his house. I put the car in park and run around to help him, though he doesn’t really need it, I just like the idea of helping him.
“You don’t need to help me, Dakota. I got it,” he says, jumping out my Jeep’s passenger seat like he doesn’t have a broken ankle, and when he lands, he hisses because hedoeshave a broken ankle.
I chortle, and he looks at me with so much annoyance that I nearly snort. But if he wants to be stubborn, so be it. I’m just going to stand here and watch him struggle-bus it all the way to his front door.
The air is crisp today. Especially after the storm yesterday. And my co-worker was right, I do feel much better after sleeping off the stress from yesterday. And being here with Nolan on this beautiful Sunday afternoon also helps to ease my troubled mind.
The birds are chirping, you can hear laughter from the pool around back, the wind rustles the trees lightly, and—
“Fuck.” Nolan is complaining like a baby as he tries to get situated, adamant on not needing my help. I try my hardest not to laugh, I really do. But I just can’t resist as he wrestles with his crutch.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, almost looking frustrated with me.
“Nothing, old man, just keep going.”
“Dakota, you know I’ve let your smart mouth fly when you call me old man. But I’m only thirty-six. I highly doubt that is considered old if you ask any sensible human being,” he snaps back, and it doesn’t even faze me, if anything it just turns me on.
He’s always this respectable man, and in every sense of the word is agentleman.