Page 77 of Rise & Fall

“But what do you do when you figure out what it is you want in life more than anything and it’s not physically achievable?” She slumps a little in my lap, obviously it’s the posture of defeat. Like she’s deflating because it’s too much to stay afloat.

“You just have to keep believing that what is meant to be will come to fruition.” It’s mediocre advice at best, but it’s what I would say to my daughter if she ever came to me with doubt. It’s what my mother and grandmother would tell me.

“Nolan, it’s not that simple.”

“Well then, tell me what you figured out you want.”

“I finally realized that what I want more than anything is to be a mom.” Her admission is a little vague to me. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Does this mean that she wants to start having kids…now?

“I guess I’m not understanding, DJ. What’s really going on?”

Dakota gives me this look of dejection. It’s nearly heart breaking all on its own, but the visible breakthrough of tears forming in the corners of her once bright green eyes on top of the shake in her lips, is the realization that there is something deeper here.

“I got a call from the doctor yesterday. I originally went in a few weeks ago to make sure that Asher’s cheating didn’t negatively impact me. Which it didn’t.” She wraps her arms around her stomach and holds herself a little tighter. “But other tests needed to be done to check on my health and so that I can move forward with birth control.” My heart stops and stammers all at the same time, I’m on edge trying to figure out where this is going.

“Nolan, I can’t get pregnant. I’m infertile.” Finally.

Finally, it makes sense.

She wants to be a mom, but she can’t.

Because she can’t get pregnant.

Fuck, life can be cruel.

I bring her into my chest, she’s still straddled over my lap. She cradles her arms into her chest as she leans against me, her head rests against my shoulder and I wrap her tightly in my embrace.

“Let it out.” And that’s when she allows herself to cry.

She sobs in waves of grief, grief of a loss she wasn’t able to feel because it was taken away before it could become something tangible, something real. Out of her control and too big for her to come to terms with. How do you grieve the loss of something that was never guaranteed in the first place?

I never once thought that people usually think about these things. I mean, I never really thought about having kids. I know Jessica and I neverplannedto have kids. It just kind of happened, and honestly, I don’t regret it. Aria is the best thing to have happened to me. Truly. But I never really thought about what it could do for someone who actually wanted kids and couldn’t have them.

I see the pain on Dakota’s face. It’s present in the way her freckles have dimmed behind sadness and how her eyes look lost and clouded. She’s destroyed by this news, and she doesn’t know how to handle it.

But she wanted to share it with me.

Does that mean that if Dakota hadn’t been given this awful fate, and she had decided that she did want kids, would she have wanted me to be the one to give them to her?

It’s an idea of something that I never imagined to think about. Not for any real reason other than the fact that I never thought about it the first time. And after the first time, I never thought about it for a second time. I knew I didn’t want more kids with Jessica, and she was my wife, so I never thought about it outside of that. And things with Dakota, while they’re the realest feelings I’ve ever felt, are still pretty new.

Would I have let her down had she decided that she wanted kids while we were still getting to know each other? While we were enjoying the adventures of a new relationship, not really having expectations of one another.

Right now, if she were to tell me that she wanted to start a family and had wanted that with me, would I tell her yes?

I know that I’ve only been sure about three things in life up to this point. The role I play at my job, being a father to Aria, and how real it feels with the fiery ball of passion curled up in my arms right now, letting out her truth about what she wanted in life. What she wanted, and if she could have it,I would give it to her.

I would.

I would start a family with her. I would give her anything she wanted because I know that she deserves it, and it hurts to think that she’d find that with anyone else knowing that I’m the one who wants it with her the most.

And to be honest, that scares the fuck out of me.

To know that I’ve spent eight years with a person who I vowed my heart to, only to come out of it feeling like I was juked and taken advantage of. But only knowing Dakota for a month, I can tell she is what feels right. She’s what my mom would be proud of.

My one thing.

Life is too fucking short to question what you think is right and what you think is wrong. Life is too short to put a time limit on something, whether it’s eight years or just a few months. We’re not promised tomorrow. So why feel the pressure of doing what you think is the appropriate thing to do, living by the unspoken rules of life, only to have the things you desire the most stripped from you without even so much as a hello.