Page 86 of Rise & Fall
It can’t be.
I just felt too much all at once and it came out in the form of three words that felt too big for me to hold on to.
Nolan reaches out to hand me my shirt, having gathered everything else in my hands already, because opening his mouth to expel another try at getting me to open up. But I interrupt him before he gets the chance.
“I’m gonna get dressed. Be right back.” I give him the saddest excuse of a reassuring smile I can muster before disappearing into his bathroom.
Closing the door behind me proves to be the one thing I need right now. Space. Not space from Nolan, but just space to let my hyper brain settle down.
In fact, I want to talk this out with Nolan. But it might sound really silly in actual words and considering the look he had strewn across his face, it’s not something he wants to hear. So, I’ll shake this off as an over-emotional moment and it was a huge mistake.
Because I can’t really afford to lose what we have right now over something my mouth vomited involuntarily.
I dress as quickly as I can once my mind stops running the marathon of overthinking and splashing my face with water.
“He didn’t even hear you say it. You’re just freaking yourself out for no reason,” I tell myself in the mirror seeing the remnants of exasperation and lust coating my skin beautifully. And I feel beautiful. Everything Nolan does makes me feel seen and heard and he really takes the time to look after my needs. Which is another reason why I probably barfed the L word on him in the middle of the best orgasm I’ve ever had.
I hear a light rap at the door, and I know Nolan is probably waiting for his turn to get dressed. I take one last deep breath and turn on my heel to exit.
“Sorry,” I say with my head down like a fucking coward because the idea of trying to defend my unhinged behavior sounded better than actually going through with it. I’ve never had to explain myself like this before.
Nolan is already fully dressed, which is a relief because imagine how awkward that would have been.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Nolan stops me before I can brush past him. He holds my chin between his thumb and index finger and tilts my head up to look at him.
His dark-coated eyes hold a unsure expression, like he wants to help but he doesn’t know how because I’m being stubborn.
“Nothing’s wrong. I should probably head back. Don’t you have to go meet Jessica for something,” I say, shaking my head free from his grip and walking behind him to pick up my phone and keys, trying to save face and using the best I’m-okay tone I can dig up. But I know he sees right through it.
“Don’t do that.” He runs his hands through his tousled hair.
“Don’t do what?” I say in a pitch higher than normal.
“Don’t close yourself off from me, DJ. I don’t like it and you’re making me feel bad.”
“There’s nothing to feel bad about.” I scroll through my phone, pretending to be looking at missed calls or messages when really there are none, but I need to keep myself busy.
“I heard you,” he whispers. I feel the heat of him approaching me from behind as I pull my lip into my teeth, preventing the quiver that seems to present itself, the tell that I might actually start to tear up for whatever annoying reason.
“Heard what?” I turn to look at him, to attempt to prove that I don’t know what he’s talking about but again, I fail.
“No. That’s bullshit. Don’t gaslight me.” I can tell he’s irritated with me for beating around the bush, though his tone stays calm and collected, and it hurts me too because I feel like I am hiding myself. Like I’m ashamed of the way I feel for having to defend my actions.
Kind of how I felt with Asher on occasion. It wasn’t prominent, but it was there, and I loved him.
For years.
I loved him and he still cheated on me.
I sigh heavily, knowing that Nolan doesn’t deserve this treatment because I’m being a coward and don’t want to own up to my mistakes. This mistake being that I blurted out “I love you” in the middle of sex. Sex that felt so fucking good if I may say so.
“Listen,” I start reaching out and grabbing his elbow slightly. The heat of my touch burns to my core, so I immediately pull back, needing to stay clear-minded to get this off my chest.
“My senses were on overdrive, probably from being blindfolded at first. I’ve never had sex that good. And don’t let that go to your head, old man.” He smirks at me. “I said something I didn’t mean in the heat of the moment. We both know I don’t have a filter, but this one slipped through the cracks. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t want to ruin the moment.” That last part was honest, feeling embarrassed. But everything else felt wrong out loud. Like maybe I was gaslighting myself.
But I don’t have time to sit here and overthink it because I saw the way Nolan felt through his unsolicited gaze. I would have embarrassed myself even more by subjecting myself to his rejection. So, it’s best I bury down that false feeling of hope and what I’ve mistaken as lust for love and move on.
I don’t want to lose Nolan right now; he’s become someone I look forward to getting to know. And I feel safe with him, just like he promised me. But it can’t be more.