Page 87 of Rise & Fall

Because neither of us really wants that. Nor am I ready for that.

Love means heartbreak. We both know that as truth.

Nolan drops his dejected gaze, replacing it for a calmer and more understanding one. But it feels gross, because I know I just made him accept an explanation that I don’t even believe.

But it has to do.

“I didn’t like it just now when you tried to close yourself off to me, Dakota.” He leans in and kisses me on my forehead.

“I know, I just didn’t really think about it much. I’m sorry.” I feel so much shame in knowing that I’m not being completely honest.

“One thing?” he asks, and my heart can’t take it. I need to get out of his space. His scent radiates heavily, only feeding the craving I have for more with him.

I look up at him, loving the way he watches me for my approval. Another thing I enjoy so much with him. I nod my head in silent permission for him to reveal hisone thing.

“You can always talk to me; I want to know all of your thoughts and how you feel. I want that. No matter what you’re afraid of. I won’t judge you and I might be able to help you talk it through. I want all of yourone things, Firefly. Let me have that with you, okay?” He brushes his knuckles against my cheek, moving some strands of hair out of my face, all the while his words and his gestures create too much heat in my heart, I feel like I’m going to combust.

I just settle for a meek smile, mentally hating myself for not being my true self in this moment because he is attempting to give me his best. The side of him that cares about me, more than I understand, because it’s who he is. But that little part of me that knows that there’s more truth than what I let him hear is eating at me.

But I can’t feel guilty about something I don’t even understand myself. And I’m not lying to him, not really. I just don’t know how to express the emotions I felt without needing to dig deeper into the reasons why I might have felt them in the first place.

Gosh, this is stupid. He just said the cutest fucking shit to me, opening up about how he wants me to confide in him no matter how big and scary that may seem because we are, in actuality, in a relationship of something more than just friends with benefits. He’s said, more than once, and in other words mostly, that we are exclusive and that what we have can be serious. And I thought I wanted that.

Butone thing, that idea sounds like it might actually break me. And I can’t go through that again.

After saying goodbye to Nolan and driving home, I jumped in the hottest bath I could run myself without causing physical harm to my skin.

I felt him everywhere, and I didn’t feel the need to scrub him off. It’s not that. But I needed to push down the feelings I was feeling. Because even though he tried to talk me through it, and he tried to understand, I fed him a mild case of bullshit. Because I fed myself the same thing.

I just really needed to stop over-feeling because it’s been fucking with my head for the past three hours now. But after sitting down with my book, and texting my mom a little bit about Em, I’m finally able to calm down. I opted out of straight romance this time around, thinking that it might fuck with me more. So instead, I curl up with a romantacy about an angel and a demon who are forced to work together, and though their dynamic becomes spicy, it’s not enough to stir up the emotions I’d been feeling earlier.

But right before I start chapter twelve of my book, my phone starts ringing from my purse in the other room. I kept it at a distance in case Nolan tried to get anything else out of me.

I amble over to where it’s at, my hair is still damp from my bath, and I pick it up to see that it’s Sterling. Good, maybe she’s better at this shit than I am.

“Hey,” I answer cheerfully.

“So, she is alive,” Sterling says sarcastically, and I roll my eyes at her, though she can’t see them.

“You know, I could say the same thing, Sterls.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

We both giggle.

“So, what’s new?” I ask her as I slide into my slippers and head toward my balcony.

The sun is setting in the horizon, and tonight is free of spring storms, so the air is warmer than most nights have been.

“Cal and I have been deep into wedding planning. But I called because I need you out here for a dress fitting soon. So, I wanted to know if you’re free next weekend?”

“Let me check.” Next weekend is kind of short notice for a dress fitting, and I also realize that it’s the weekend of my birthday which means it’s the weekend of my engagement anniversary.

Gosh, why did that asshole have to ruin one of my favorite days of the year?

“You can bring Nolan if that’s helpful,” Sterling says.

“In what world would that make things helpful?” I laugh at her ridiculous attempt to sweeten the deal, as if the deal needed to be sweetened.