Page 93 of Rise & Fall

I’m not feeling well. Talk later?

IrereadDakota’stextfor a total of twenty more minutes when I wake up, having read it even longer last night before calling her and getting declined on the first ring.

Now, I’m not one to get too offended easily or overthink anything, but this feels an awful lot like she’s avoiding me.

I get out of my bed and head into the bathroom to start the shower.

As the hot water rains down my back, I scrub a hand down my face trying to push down the feeling of confusion that’s invading my head.

The conversation with Jessica last night was unexpected but after sleeping on it a bit more, I see where she’s coming from, and I can’t be mad at her for recognizing where she failed and needed to fix it. If she thinks that focusing on her future is what’s best for her and for Aria, all I can do is do my part as her daughter’s father to support her in that. Do I agree with it, not really. But Aria needs the best version of both of her parents, and I think Jess is realizing that she’s not been giving that.

After getting home from dinner last night, it took me a while to try and figure out how I was going to approach things with Dakota. I mean, it feels good to have her in my life. I like knowing that there’s no pressure and no rules. Everything feels natural and on our own terms. I like that she trusts me, she’s willing to try new things.

I like how she feels under me, how she makes me feel. How soft she is, how she squirms under my touch and her eyes light my fucking soul on fire.

I like even more how fearless she is. Not afraid to be herself. How strong she is. How giving she is.

I never knew I’d be able to start over, clean slate, and have such a connection with someone like I do with her. It doesn’t feel like it ever did with Jessica. It feels different, significant. It feels painful to think about not having her in my life, and I know how cliche that sounds but there’s no other way to put it. I just don’t want to live without her.

Which is why I can’t stop thinking about what she said during sex the other night. Three words. Three words that she denies meaning, but for anything to come up in conversation in any shapeable way, it means that there was an idea formed around it. Something that needed a physical element to attach to and in this case, it was her words attached to her feelings, her very possibly real feelings. People don’t normally say things they were thinking, heat of the moment or otherwise, unless there was tangible emotion tied to it.

But I think she sensed my rejection, because I unintentionally felt it too. I didn’t think I’d be ready to take on the responsibility of another person’s heart. Not right now. Nor was I ready to let someone else take care of mine. But denying that I feel stronger for her than I care to admit is doing a disservice to myself.

Or maybe it really did slip out of her mouth, and she didn’t mean for it to go that far just yet. Maybe her heart was playing with the idea that there might be such a strong emotion involved and maybe the heat of the moment did prematurely eject that emotion, and her need to hide it was heavy and rushed because she thought I might reject her.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I’d like to take the risk of opening myself up to heartbreak if it means giving Dakota and me a real shot. I deserve that. She deserves that. But we have to start with her figuring out what she really wants and how she really feels. And I need her to know that I might actually feel the same way.

But when Monday morning turns to Monday night, and Monday night turns to Wednesday night, I start to really worry. I’m not just going to show up to her house or call her job again, but all of my texts are being ignored and my calls are going unanswered. I’m starting to really feel like maybe I did something wrong, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what that might be.

I mope around at the office Thursday morning, since I haven’t been able to do physical work because of my ankle, and it gives me too much time to think about Dakota.

There’s no way that she’s this upset with what happened Sunday night, I think to myself.

I stare at my texts. Two from Monday night that were read and never answered. One text from Tuesday and a phone call that we both ignored. And yesterday’s messages asking her if something was wrong.

I wish it was my week with Aria because it would have given me an excuse to see her, that I selfishly know she’d entertain. But I also hate the idea that I’d result in manipulation to get her to talk to me.

Fuck, this whole thing sucks. If only I knew what I did wrong or what the problem is, I might be able to fix it. Or die trying.

I’ve made up my mind that I don’t want this to end, especially not like this. It just doesn’t feel like something Dakota would do without good reason but I’m unaware of anything that would make her distance herself from me to this extent.

There’s literally nothing I can do at this point except to keep trying and hope she shows up for me the same way I’d show up for her.

thirty-one

Dakota

Iknowhedeservesthe conversation. I know he wants to talk. I know that he knows something is wrong, and it feels awful to keep it from him. But he has to know that I know. He has to know.

Barbie is Jessica. And Jessica is Nolan’s ex-wife and Aria’s mom.

It just seems too crazy to be real.

I haven’t run into Barbie, I mean Jessica, since she left my house five nights ago which is ideal at this point. I’m not sure if she even knows who I am and that the boy I was confiding to her about is her ex-husband who, apparently, she is still in love with. And I’ve been such an asshole to Nolan. But I literally don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know what I’m expected to say or do. But my conflicted heart is fighting a hard war right now and I’ve been trying desperately to get my head to interfere, but everything is so muddled and confusing—nothing is clear anymore.

I don’t usually ghost people, especially someone I could potentially be in love with. But nothing made sense and my best option was to avoid him at all costs. Which I now know that after five days, was probably very fucked up for me to do. I know he deserves better than that. And I know I deserve answers, and if there’s anything that I’ve learned from my romance novels, it’s that miscommunication is the worst possible trait to start a relationship with. I don’t want that for us.

I let Dino know that I’m taking my break and I walk around the bar to head back into the hallway that leads to the breakroom.