Page 17 of The Surrogate Nanny

Simone

P.S. If you can’t get her to sleep, try singing “Be Without You” by Mary J. Blige. It’ll knock her right out.

I carefully folded the letter that sliced my heart like a razor blade. I didn’t have the strength to read Nori’s letter.

Did I make a mistake?

I grabbed my cell phone from the nightstand and dialed Simone’s new number. It was early, but I had a feeling she wouldn’t mind.

“Hi! You reached Simone. I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message after the beep, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!”

The cheerfulness of her voicemail was like a punch to the gut. I could only imagine what misery she was in.

“Hey, Simone. It’s me...Anthony. Good news. Day one passed, and Nori’s still alive.” I winced.

Cracking jokes at a time like this? What the fuck is your problem, Anthony?

I cleared my throat before proceeding. “I’m calling because I know you must be worried sick. She cried...a lot, but I guess that’s to be expected. She wasn’t a fan of my spaghetti, but the walls were. She did eat a star-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich and half a banana. She just fell asleep a few minutes ago. I read the letter that you left me. I couldn’t pull myself to read Nori’s letter. I figured whatever you had to say to her was private. Simone...I...”

“Shit,” I mumbled when the call ended. I considered calling back but decided to let sleeping dogs lie. I plugged the charger into my phone and unceremoniously dumped it on the nightstand. I stared at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep despite how rundown I felt. I wished I could say it was the excitement of the day that kept me up or the searing pain in my leg, but I’d be lying. My guilt was gnawing at me like a pit bull and a rawhide bone.

Chapter Nine

Simone

The air kicked on, automatically cooling the small apartment to a crisp 68 degrees. I detested the cold, but Nori couldn’t sleep if it was too hot. I’d turn the thermostat up; however, I didn’t have the energy to move. I’d already called in sick, and my boss warned me that I couldn’t take any more days off without penalty. I whispered that I understood and hung up. I was about to toss my phone when I realized I had missed a call from Anthony at 4:18 in the morning. I listened to his voicemail more times than I cared to admit, trying to decipher if I should hate him more or a smidge less.

I still hate him. Giving me an update on Nori feels like he’s taunting me, even if that isn’t his intention. Was it really that hard to grant me joint custody? Nori wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. Hell, I would’ve taken a weekly supervised playdate if that meant I could see my daughter.

I rolled over and realized my mistake when my red and puffy eyes landed on a pink and white 3-in-1 baby walker that doubled as an activity center. Tears welled as I remembered how captivated Nori was by the lights and tinkling melodies. It would at least keep her preoccupied long enough for me to cook dinner.

Unable to stomach the sight of the toy any longer, I kicked the cover off, snatched it up, and stormed out of the bedroom down the short hall. I threw open the front door and tossed the plastic toy. It clattered loudly to the ground and started singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” with its plastic wheels spinning in the air. I slammed the door and raced to Nori’s nursery room with every intention of tearing it apart, but those nasty, evil thoughts vacated as soon as I laid eyes on her messy crib. I was in a rush to make it to the courthouse that morning, and I hadn’t had time to make it.

I’m so pathetic, I told myself as I fixed the sheet and tucked the soft comforter around the mattress. I straightened a stuffed elephant that had fallen onto its side at some point during the night. Nori used to chew on its trunk all the time when she was teething.

I choked on a sob.

I can’t breathe. I need her back. I never will hear her say that she loves me. She would’ve said it eventually...right?

The silence became too loud as memories of Nori sitting in her crib with a smile on her face overwhelmed me. She’d pull herself up with assistance from the bars and call out to me. Her messy bedhead would flop in her face as she excitedly bounced. I fell to my knees, curled into the fetal position on the floor, and cried myself to sleep.

***

“You missed two days of work without excuse.”

I blinked and returned my attention to my boss, who pushed her glasses up her nose in discontent.

When did I get here?

“It’s your first day back, and you’ve been hanging up on the customers or putting them on hold. You had one customer on hold for nearly an hour—do you hear me, Simone?”

I felt a presence behind me. It was a security guard.

“I-I’m sorry. I just lost my daughter. I...I’m a little scattered. Can you repeat that?” I shifted in the uncomfortable chair and tried to focus and stay in the present.

“We’re letting you go, Simone. I’m very sorry for your loss, but as you know, hang-ups are cause for immediate dismissal.”

“Immediate dismissal?” I echoed with a whisper.