Page 18 of The Surrogate Nanny

“Yes. You are being terminated. Effective immediately.”

With that being said, I am awarding Mr. Powell full custody. Effective immediately.

“Mr. Stone will escort you to your desk to gather your belongings. I’m very sorry, Simone, and I wish you the best of luck.”

“You can’t do this to me. Please, I just need—I need some time to get my head straight.”

She pressed her lips in a thin line, letting me know the discussion was over. I wanted to cry. I should’ve cried, but the tears refused to come.

No Nori. No job. Is this a sign? Is this a sign I should give up? Is this the universe telling me that there’s no longer a place in the world for me? Why is everything being snatched from me?

I looked up and found myself at home. How I got there was a mystery. The seconds, minutes, hours, and days all blurred together in a swirl of confusion, regret, desperation, anger, and grief.

I yanked open the freezer and was greeted by the frigid blast. I tugged a fifth of vodka from the frozen meats and vegetables and poured a hefty glass cut with water.

God...I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone before.

Like the masochist I was, I gravitated toward my daughter’s nursery and collapsed in the rocking chair. I swayed forward and backward as the liquor flamed my throat and belly. Everything had its place—her stuffies, her dresses and tiny shoes that lined the closet, a wooden rocking horse that waited patiently in the corner to be ridden when she was old enough, and the black and white canvas of her hanging over her crib. The only thing out of place was me.

What do I do with myself?

End it.

I scoffed into the glass as I considered the unthinkable. No one would miss me. I no longer had a daughter, was too busy being a mother to focus on friends, had no family, and I certainly didn’t have a lover.

I swallowed roughly around the ball in my throat. I could slit my wrists. There were razors in the bathroom. I quickly shook away the dark thought. Something felt wrong about bleeding all over the bathroom where my child played with her rubber ducky every night.

I considered driving off a bridge into the lake. The cool, calming water would welcome me as if I belonged there. Again, it felt wrong. Nori loved the water, and even in death, I couldn’t disappoint her that way.

I stood and walked out of the nursery.

Maybe I keep changing my mind because I’m clinging to life. How pathetic. I can’t save my baby, and I can’t save myself.

It finally came to me.

Take a walk and finish that bottle with a handful of pills. It’ll all go away. Yeah, that’s a good plan. A damn good plan if you ask me. It’s painless...silent...and effective.

***

I’d forgone the walk and settled for a drive. I paid good money for the car and planned to suck every last dime out of it I could.

I brought Nori home in this car.

Before I realized it, I was on Anthony’s side of town. I felt that if I was in the same vicinity of Nori that I’d feel her little spirit telling me that it was okay—that it was okay to let go and that she loved me because I was her Mama, and I gave her the best year of her life.

I passed by a park, and chills came over me. My intuition told me to park. I was horrible at following that bitch, but I did.

“Mama!”

I froze when I heard Nori’s voice as clear as day. I squinted and saw Anthony sitting on a bench—leaning on his ostentatious cane as he watched Nori. He looked exhausted.

Serves him right.

Nori was there, sitting on a blanket with a toy in her mouth. She pointed the toy at him and repeated it. “Mama!”

“No, that’s a puppy,” he corrected.

“Mama!”