Page 59 of Teach Me To Sin
It sounds like heaven, but the first time my mom told me about heaven I thought it sounded too good to be true. If it exists, there has to be some kind of punishment for daring to reach for something so much more perfect than we deserve. It scares me, because I don’t want to be hurt any more. I’m not sure I can take it.
I wrap my good arm around Colson’s waist and press tighter against him. Maybe it’s weird to be snuggling like a child in front of Gray, but I don’t care. “Could the dogs come?”
He lets out a small, surprised laugh. “I suppose they can. They’d love that.”
“I don’t know what to do, Colson.”
Gray clears his throat, and I hear his chair scrape as he stands up. His silhouette is way taller and broader in the shoulders than anyone else I know. “I’ll let you talk it over, and you can call me when you decide. I’m going to help Ethan distract Victor from drinking his body weight in vodka.”
“Thank you for the food,” I toss in his general direction, letting go of Colson. “And the offer.”
“It’s the least I can do.”
I sense Colson walking away toward the door, but the tall shape of Gray pauses, then comes closer to me until he solidifies into a kind-of-person wearing what looks like a suit. My body goes tense, wondering what he doesn’t want Colson to hear. “I thought you should know,” he says quietly, “that everyone is welcome in our group of misfits. Victor, Ethan, my husband and I, and others you don’t know–we’ve all been where you are in different ways, and we’ve all fought our way back. You and Alek and Colson, whether it’s together or separately, can always come to us. I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.”
“Um. Okay?” I don’t know what he’s talking about, and it’s very intimidating to converse with a giant shadow stranger who can see you even though you can’t see him. “I’ll remember that. Thank you.”
He pats my shoulder lightly, then disappears toward the door. Even though I slept most of the day, I’m already so worn out I just lean over and prop my ear against the countertop. The bang of the front door must wake Alek, because I hear him stirring as Colson walks back into the room. Closing my eyes, I let myself drift while Colson and Alek murmur words I can’t make out.
When someone pulls out the stool next to mine, I sit up and turn toward the vague silhouette. “Did you sleep okay?”
“I feel a lot better,” Alek answers in a subdued, groggy voice.
“There’s really good teriyaki chicken somewhere around here.”
“I can smell it.”
Things go quiet again as Colson clatters plates and runs the microwave to heat Alek’s lunch. This is horrible. Now that we’re not in a crisis, there’s nothing shielding Alek and me from the truth of what I did. Neither of us knows what to say. I should have spent the whole morning planning an apology speech, not sleeping, but I wouldn’t even know where to start.
While Alek eats, Colson fills him in on Gray’s visit, the Birch Bay house, everything. He chews silently for a minute, then swallows. “You guys should do that. It sounds like a nice place to recover.”
“But what about you?” I burst out, forgetting to be awkward.
“What about me?”
I sound like a whiny brat, but I’m too distressed to stop. Every part of me knows this isn’t right, but I don’t have any logical arguments to back it up. “You have to, I dunno, recover or whatever too. We can’t just leave you…”
“Benji, I have such a huge shitshow to clean up here. I don’t even know where to start. It’s not the time for me to go on a fucking vacation.” I don’t think he meant to sound as angry as he does, or as much like he’s accusing me. But it’s out there now, and the whole conversation grinds to a stop. Sitting here by myself in a blurry bubble of dark and light makes this so much worse.
“But–” I don’t have a single answer, so I just stammer pointlessly. “I just…”
“Everyone pause,” Colson speaks up suddenly from the other side of the counter. “Just hold on for a second.” Then he pauses too, like he doesn’t actually know where he was going next. “Um…I have no idea what’s supposed to happen now. What any of us are meant to do. A big part of me just wants to get on a plane to Japan or anywhere that isn’t here, because being here fucking hurts. For all of us.” I can tell that he’s rubbing his hands together nervously, even though the Colson I know never fidgets or gets tongue-tied. He takes a deep breath and speaks very carefully. “I think we should all go to Birch Bay for a few days. I’m already kicking myself for this, but I think that if any of us runs away right now, we will never figure out what the fuck happened between us. I’m afraid that we might regret letting that happen.”
When he runs out of words, he turns around abruptly and starts rinsing dishes again, like he can’t quite face what he just said. I sit and poke at the baggy, stained sweats the hospital gave me, waiting for Alek to say that he can’t do it. That I fucked us up too deeply to ever get back what we had.
“We’re waiting for the structural inspection,” he offers finally, not sounding very happy at all. “And all the programs have already been canceled. I can probably step away for a bit.”
It feels like we just did something important, but no one knows if it’s good or bad. The three of us have never even spent time together besides swim practice or a quick, wild fuck. We’re all exhausted and miserable and a little bit scared of each other.
“Well,” Colson sighs, drying his hands. “I guess I’m going to call Gray and then go find a pair of very badly-behaved dogs.”
* * *
It shouldn’t surprise me, because I know what it’s like to be wealthy, but Colson somehow rounds up not only two badly-behaved dogs but an entire champagne-colored Land Rover that he keeps at a storage lot somewhere as his “winter car”. It’s a great fit for the three of us, Hamlet and Triss, and Colson’s luggage. I have nothing, but we swing by Alek’s apartment on our way north so he can grab some clothes and a toothbrush.
I’m excited to go somewhere more interesting than a bed, but being up and about for a couple of hours has drained all my energy, and my blurry vision is making me nauseous. My whole body aches, despite the painkillers. Once we get settled on I-5 North, I curl up in the backseat with my eyes shut and my head propped up so Triss and Hamlet can lick my ears. Colson and Alek don’t say anything for the thirty minutes it takes me to drift off, but the silence is companionable now, rather than hanging from a frayed thread that’s about to snap.
When I wake up to Colson rubbing my shoulder, we’re already at our destination. I can’t wait for the day I actually see the place, because it’s probably gorgeous. All I get for now is a blue-ish two story shape, backed by a blob of grass and a blob of trees. The sky is light gray, the same color as the ocean I can smell on the air. “How far is the beach?” I ask as I slide out onto a gravel drive and grip Colson’s arm until I find my balance.