Page 17 of A Little Luck
“You’re blushing.” A gentle smile lifts her cheeks.
Pushing off my knees, I exhale a bitter laugh. “I’ve been joking that it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, my hymen grew back.”
“You know that isn’t possible, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” My voice turns quiet. “He’s been back three years. Three years doing everything right. Treating me like a queen, devoting himself to my son… and his niece and nephew. He’s been amazing. He’s been a perfect—saint.”
“Do you love him?”
I’m nodding before I even speak. “So much.”
Somehow I’m able to tell her things I’ve never been able to tell my mom or Britt and Cass or even Adam.
“But he still doesn’t know. If I’d let him spend the night, he would’ve seen… all of me. The thought of him knowing the truth scared me so bad I couldn’t breathe. My insides froze, and I pushed him away.”
“Do you think Adam is like Rex?”
“No,” I answer fast. “Adam is nothing like Rex.”
Drew studies me. “But you’re still afraid to trust him. Why?”
Shaking my head, I study my hands in my lap. So many reasons crowd together in my brain, it’s too much. I don’t know which is the real answer.
“I can’t see the forest for the trees.” It’s a lame attempt at humor.
Drew doesn’t let me off the hook. “Relax your mind. Don’t let your thoughts overwhelm you. Take them one at a time.”
Dropping onto the couch again, I lean my arms on my knees. I take a moment to breathe, to do my best to focus, to feel my brain relaxing.
“Rex wasn’t like Rex in the beginning. When we started out, he was playful and thrilling… I wanted to be with him. Just like Adam.”
“Have you seen any signs that Adam could turn into Rex?”
Taking a beat, I allow myself to really consider her question. I close my eyes and try to picture him changing the way Rex did. I imagine the little red flags I ignored that only grew into bigger red flags and then into chains.
I can’t make it happen in any version of reality. Even on our last night, when Adam bared his soul to me, and I was too afraid to let him in, he would never force me or take out his anger on me… or hurt me.
“Adam would never be like Rex.”
It’s so quiet, I hear the ticking of her large clock. Lifting my eyes, I meet her warm gaze. “You didn’t make Rex hurt you. That was his choice. It wasn’t your fault.”
Heat warms my eyes. “But I hid it. I covered for him so well, no one ever knew. They never even suspected, and if I told them now… They wouldn’t believe it.”
“Is that what you think? Are you afraid Adam won’t believe you? Are you afraid he’ll choose his friend over you?”
A knot is in my throat, twisting all the way down into my chest.Is that why?“I don’t know.”
But if he didn’t believe me, or worse, if he thought I caused it somehow, I’d be devastated.
Drew rises from the chair behind her desk and walks around to sit beside me on the couch.
She puts her arm around my shoulders. “You’ve never given your friends a chance to be your friends completely because you’ve never shared your truth. Can you tell me why?”
Shame heats my neck. “I’m the smart one, the funny one. I’m not the type of person to stay with someone who abuses me. I do the right thing, and if I can’t fix the problem, I leave.”
She nods, exhaling a noise of assent. “I think your friends would be more understanding than you give them credit for. Everybody makes mistakes.”
“They were his friends, too.”