Page 26 of On the Mountain

“I liked it,” I told him. “I fucking loved it. I felt…owned, possessed.” And no one had ever truly wanted me. Eddie and his friends liked to screw me, but any hole would do. I never felt like I belonged to them, to anyone, and while I knew that wasn’t true with Crow either, in that moment it had been easy to forget.

His breathing picked up, so loud I could hear it. He was so animalistic, like living out here had changed him into something else. I should stop this…and yet I wanted to push back against him and see if he’d slide his finger inside me, but again, bad decisions were my MO. “Did you like it?” Silence stretched between us, all the good feelings inside me, the hope, shrinking more and more. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

I tried to get out of bed, but Crow pressed down on me, not letting me move. “Too much,” was all he said, but those two words were more than I could hope for, more than I believed.

My heart was in my throat when I said, “Please don’t leave me next time.” Because that had been like being with Eddie. Used and left when they were done with me.

I waited for him to tell me there wouldn’t be a next time. I waited for him to storm out, but he just pulled the pj’s over my ass again. He took my hand and gave it a gentle tug. Come, Crow’s dark-chocolate eyes said without words.

I followed him. Crow led me to another room that I thought might be his, then to the bathroom there. A large, deep tub sat in the corner, and he turned the faucet on and began filling it.

I stood frozen, unsure what to think, afraid that if I moved, I would wake up back in Tranquility, alone.

Crow came back to me, brushed his fingers over the bruise on my face, making my breath catch. He was so gentle with me…when I knew he could be so hard. He’d nearly broken a man’s hand in front of me, and who knew what else he’d done, but with me, he was so incredibly gentle. Well, except when fucking, but we’d both wanted it that way.

He tugged the flannel pants down next, bending so I stepped out of them one foot, then the other. My dick was at half-mast, but he ignored it, before standing again. One hand touched my black eye again, the other my neck where he’d bitten me. I knew without looking that it had bruised. That hand went next to the marks on my hips from his fingers.

“It’s not the same thing, Crow. I wanted what you did to me. Eddie hit me because I didn’t want to give myself to him. I like your marks on me. I want more.”

His pupils blew wide, but he didn’t respond, didn’t touch me or fuck me or anything like that. Instead, he took my hand again, led me to the tub, and motioned for me to get in. I did, sank into the hot water, feeling more comfortable than I had in my whole life.

Like he’d done in the bedroom, Crow slid down the wall and sat on the floor beside the tub.

“I love baths,” I said, and he only nodded. “My mom used to buy bubble bath for me. It wasn’t something we could always afford, even though it was cheap, but she got it for me. I would wear bubble crowns and laugh. It was so simple and so much fun.” I couldn’t piece together why I was telling him this. My mom was the only thing in my life I’d kept sacred and mine, but this wasn’t the first time I’d given those good parts of her to him. “One time she got me this special paint so I could paint on the walls. I had a blast with that.” I chuckled, feeling Crow’s intense stare on me. I wanted his stories too, wanted him to share them with me, but I didn’t even know if Crow had any good memories. I didn’t know a lot about his cult or even how he felt about it.

When the water got high, he leaned over and turned it off for me.

But when I considered this—the bath, the meals, his worry about how he’d fucked me—he must’ve had something good in his life, otherwise how would he have learned to be so giving? Or maybe that wasn’t how the world worked, and it was just Crow’s nature—he could be fierce and hard, but also gentle.

“Have you showered?” I asked, and he shook his head. “After what we did yesterday, you should probably clean up.” When I was greeted with Crow’s familiar silence, I added, “You can…get in with me…”

“I don’t understand.”

“In the bath together. You can sit behind me, and I’ll lie between your legs and—”

“No.” I flinched at his response. “No,” he said again, then shook his head. “This. I don’t understand this.” Crow pointed back and forth between us. “I’ve never had a…friend. Or a partner. Even before…” He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. It was clear he didn’t like to talk about his time in the cult. “It was different. I don’t know what this is, don’t know how to do it. I don’t understand some of my thoughts…desires. It gets tangled up inside me.”

Those were the most words I’d heard him say, and damn, they did a number on my heart. Things had been bad for me for most of my life, but I understood emotions in a way he didn’t. I understood people and relationships. Still, a part of me related to what he was saying. The confusing connection I had with him didn’t make sense to me either.

“I’m not asking you for labels, Crow. I’m not asking you to be my friend or my partner or telling you to do anything. We can just be…do…what feels good because neither of us has had much that feels good. Right now I just want you to take off your clothes and get into the bath with me. Everything else can be figured out later.”

Like me going down the mountain before the snow came. I had two days off, but those would be over quickly. Or maybe Crow would make me leave before then anyway. I also had an apartment with bills and a job, so I couldn’t be stuck up here even if he wanted me to stay—not that he would.

But I wanted that.

Nothing I had mattered anyway. None of it meant anything to me, except one small box in the closet that held some of my mother’s things.

I was surprised when Crow stood up and pulled his shirt off. The man was so sexy, it should be illegal. His masculine chest, with just the right amount of fur, made me want to rub my cheek against it.

He unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans next, tugging them down. He was soft, but I could see he wasn’t just a grower. Even now he was big.

He had more body hair than I did, a thick, dark nest at his groin, and dark furry thighs.

I sat up, and he climbed in behind me and sat down. Crow’s legs were around me, and I leaned back against him, immediately feeling him tense up.

“I’m sorry.” I attempted to put space between us. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but Crow just wrapped his arm around me and held me down. I tried to turn my head to look up at him, but he didn’t let me do that either.

He rubbed his beard on my head like an animal marking me. “No one has ever touched me like this.” No one? What about the people he’d slept with?