Page 78 of Left on Read

“It does,” I agreed.

“Enough about me and my ride on the bitter bus. What happened with River? I thought things were going well.”

“They were until I fucked up.” Now it was my turn to sigh. “Then fucked up again.”

“Gonna need more than that.”

“We…something happened last night.”

“Last night? I thought he had to work last night.”

“He did. This was before, after I got home from the bar.”

He made a go on motion with his hand.

“We did stuff.”

“Stuff?” He arched one eyebrow at me quizzically.

“Yeah, like on video.”

Understanding crossed his features.

“And of course, because I’m me, I freaked out and canceled on him today.”

“Why did you freak out? Was it bad or something?”

“Not in the moment, but…”

“But your anxiety kicked in because you stepped outside your comfort zone, and you convinced yourself it was a huge thing when it wasn’t.”

I nodded.

“And you figured hiding from him was the best course of action because that’s what you do after a lifetime of being forced to be hyper-independent.”

“Sometimes I hate that you have a psych degree.”

“Think of how much money I’ve saved you in therapy bills.”

“Probably not as much as you’re going to cost me in future therapy bills because you won’t let me live in my delusional state that everything’s fine and I’m not a total mess.”

“We love being delulu.” He grinned his usual Ryan smile. At least one of us was feeling better. “But back to your pattern of self-sabotage. You feel like shit for canceling on him, but you’re also still freaking out about the sexting thing, so you stuck your head in the sand and spent all day driving yourself crazy instead of dealing with why you freaked out in the first place.”

“Essentially.”

He studied me.

“What?”

“Why did you freak out? Besides it being something you haven’t done before.”

“Because I… I can’t really explain it.”

He tossed me an “I don’t believe you” look.

“I’m just so embarrassed by how I acted. What I said.” I pushed my glasses up again. “I’m just… I can’t stop thinking about how he has to be judging me.”

“Why? Because you had some fun on video? He did it too. Why would he judge you for something you both did and, I’m guessing, enjoyed?”