Page 77 of House of Lies
I can see the man I spent the last six months with slipping through the cracks. In the way he touches me, in the way he smiles, and in the tone of his voice. Although now that he doesn’t have to pretend to be my husband, I notice a trace of an accent slipping through. He may or may not be aware of it. But that man is there and can destroy me, whether or not I give him that power. Maybe he won’t do it right away, but one day he will.
“Eventually, you’ll have to talk to me about what you’ve been through. You’ll have to let me help you,” he insists, stepping back.
“What are you, my therapist? My knight in shining armor? I don’t owe you anything.”
I owe him my life, but I’m too stubborn to admit it or thank him. How he looks at me stirs emotions I don’t want to confront. I’ve never been more confused.
“No, solnyshko. I’m not your therapist. I’m not your knight in shining armor. I’m your villain. Don’t force me to become your worst nightmare, because I will, without remorse. I’ll be whatever the fuck I need to be to make you stop fighting me and accept that you’re mine.”
His. What a cruel joke.
“I was yours for a while, weren’t I?” My mind is too clouded to have this conversation now, but his possessiveness sparks anger. “I believed your lies. I believed when you said you were trying to change. When you spoke of how wrong everything Mattia did to me was, I believed every fucking lie. And do you know where it got me?” He clenches his hands, understanding where this is headed. “It got me bent over the kitchen counter while you let your anger out and did the same thing he did. And I don’t think you were pretending to be Mattia in that moment, Kazimir. No. It was all you.”
“I told you we could’ve fixed it. That we could’ve talked about it,” his jaw tightens.
“You did,” I admit. “You gave me another chance before you decided that fucking me whenever you wanted was enough. Before you decided you didn’t need my heart to break me.” I remember every word he said to me that day better than I remember what Mattia told me during the time he kept me captive. “You’re right about something.”
“And what would that be?”
“You’re my villain. You should’ve let me die. There’s nothing left for me in this life.” Do I hate him, or do I hate myself? It’s hard to say. “I might be more comfortable around you than other men, even after all this, but that’s because you’re the lesser evil in my life. I will never be yours. And you only have yourself to blame for that. Lock me up again if that’s what you want. Force me to be your slave, your whore.” I fight back the tears. “After all, it’s nothing your brother hasn’t done before you.”
I fell for him, but I can force those feelings out of me. I didn’t understand most of this until he told me the truth. I didn’t understand how Mattia could have been two different people with me. I struggled to comprehend why and how. But now I know the truth.
“Is this you telling me you did lie, after all? That you hate me?”
There’s not enough space in my heart for both hate and love. I have to focus on one, and I have already made my choice.
“Hate you, Kazimir?” I smile. “No. Hating you would require knowing you, and I have no clue who you are when you don’t pretend to be my husband.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“All I know is that you might be the man who tried to do things better, who gave me more freedom than I ever had, who cared for a while, who bought me flowers, cooked my favorite meal, and held me in his arms. But you know who else you are?”
“The man who bent you over and fucked you when you refused to talk to me.”
It’s not a question. He already knows the answer. Kaz has a one-track mind, and he’s determined to possess me. My life means nothing to me. He can have it if it means keeping my sister safe.
CHAPTER 51
Kaz
I will never crawl out of this grave I dug for myself. What can I say to her when I know she’s right? She might have forgiven me before, but not after this. I will chain her by my side if I have to. I’m aware of this. She’s been confined in a cage her entire life. I can’t be another captor in her life, another villain. However, I will become one if she forces my hand. Apart from the obvious, I know what she’s been through. The hospital ran a rape kit on her. Vanya persuaded a nurse to show him Caelia’s file. I’m aware of the aftermath.
If only she would tell me what she wants from me, I would do it. I would spend the rest of my life on my knees for her if it would help to prove my case.
“You stabbed me,” I say, running out of options as I try to appeal to her guilt. If she even feels guilty.
“You shot me. What’s your point?”
“I shot you to stop you from killing yourself. You stabbed me, trying to kill me. We are not the same.”
I know I won’t like what she’s about to say when a cruel smile curls on her lips. “You saved my life for all the selfish reasons. You promised me that it would be by your hand when I died. I wish we’d be done with this.”
I see red. She talks as if her life has no value to her, which drives me insane.
“Do you think that’s why I saved your life? So I could kill you later?”
I can’t tell if the alternative scares her or if she can’t accept that I did it because I fell for her. Because I care more about her safety than mine. I realize that I never truly knew this woman. She revealed glimpses of herself when her mask slipped, when she wasn’t being careful enough. There have been cracks in the wall she built around herself, but I never knew her completely. Her attitude toward me keeps changing; eventually, she’ll show me who she is.