Page 46 of Broken Empire
“Becauseit’s the only thing that helps.It’sthe only thing that makes me feel likeI’mnot drowning anymore.It’sthe only thing that grounds me and the only thing that keeps me from not actually killing myself!”Iyell at him, suddenly pissed.Ipull away from him and sit up in his lap so thatI’mfacing him.
“You’renot fucking doing that again after today!” he growls at me.
“Ican do whateverIwant!”
“No, you can’t.I’mtrying to fucking take care of you babe.Itfucking kills me when you’re hurting yourself,” he groans.
“Takingcare of me like you did when you let that monster take me?”Iscream at him. “It’sall your fucking fault you know!Ifyou weren’t antagonizing him so much, then maybe he wouldn’t have taken me!”
“Pleasedon’t cry babe.You’rekilling me here.AndI’mso fucking sorry thatIlet him take you.ButIdidn’t even know he was your stalker.Ijust thought he was some asshole that was trying to take what’s mine.Youcan’t put the blame on me for that.”
Iknow he’s kind of right butIdon’t care.Istart to hit him on the chest, asIbegin to cry again.Ijust want to get rid of all the pain and anger inside me.
“Ihate you!”Isob.
“Iknow.ButIlove you andIdon’t care how long it takes, we’re going to get through this andI’mgoing to love you every step of the way,” he tells me with so much conviction in his voice.
“I’llnever be the same again,”Iwhisper.
“No.Idon’t expect you to be.Butthat doesn’t change my feelings for you.Whatyou will be is strong, just like you’ve always been.Matterof fact you’re going to be stronger.”
“Howthe fuck willIdo that whenIcan still feel his touch on me?”Isnap.Iwatch him to see his expression and he clenches his jaw at my words.
“Idon’t know, butIwill make sure it fucking happens!” he growls.
“Youcan start by fucking me,”Isay and watch as a pained expression crosses his face.Idon’t know if it’s even a good idea to have sex right now, butIdon’t care,Ijust want to feel something.Anything, besidesAntonio’stouch on me.Idon’t want his to be the last oneIfelt on me,IwantMason’stouch to replace it.
“Baby—” he says, letting out a long, pained groan asIcut him off.
“Please,”Ibeg in a whisper. “Ineed you…”
“Babyyou’ve been hurt andIdon’t want you to hurt anymore.”Hesays as he holds my face while looking into my eyes. “Youare my life andIwant to make sure you get better, both physically and mentally, beforeItouch you.Youjust went through something traumatic andIdon’t want to add to that trauma.”
“Ineed you to touch me to make it better,”Iplead with him and without even meaning to let my emotions take over once again. “It’sbecause he touched me, isn’t it?Youwon’t touch me becauseI’mdamaged goods now, just like you wanted from the beginning, right?!”
“Thatis not whatIsaid babe and you know it.You’remine and you’re always going to be mine.Noneof what happened was your fault andI’dnever blame you for it.You’reso fucking beautiful, my life was literally nonexistent while you were gone for those few days.Inever want you out of my sight, ever again.Andyou’re not damaged goods and never will be.You’rethe freaking love of my life baby,Ijust don’t want to hurt you,” he tells me.
“Ifyou won’t do it, thenI’lljust have to find someone else who won’t mind.IsGraysonaround?Heowes me,”Itell him just to get a rise out of him and obviously it works.
“Areyou fucking kidding me right now?I’mtrying to do the right thing here!” he snaps, a tinge of jealousy coating his voice.
“Idon’t want you to do the right thing!”Iscream at him. “Iwant you to fucking erase his touch from my body and mind.Idon’t want his touch to be the last thingIremember or feel becauseIkeep feeling like it’s still there and it’s fucking with me!Ijust want it all to go away.Whywon’t you help me?!”
“Fuckkk!Babyyou’ve been through so much in the last few days andIdon’t want to add to it.You’remy world and it would kill me ifIdid anything else to hurt you,” he says, sounding pained.
“You’rehurting me by not giving me whatIwant,”Isob. “You’rehurting me by letting his touch stay on me.”
Ilook into his eyes and watch him war with himself for a minute longer, before he grips me by the back of the neck and pulls me in closer to him, until our lips are touching.Hislips are soft and gentle as he slowly begins to kiss me.
Iwas not expecting him to be this soft, but it feels good after being treated so harshly by that asshole in the timeIwas with him.Softtouches now feel like a foreign concept to me and how fucking sad is that?
Isurrender to him and slowly kiss him back.It’shesitant, almost like the very first time we kissed.WhyamIdoing this when allIwant to do is run away from this, from him…
IguessIcan be selfish for a minute and want something familiar, even thoughIknowIshouldn’t want it anymore.Nevertheless,Ifeel some of my anxiety slip away for the moment, as his lips continue to touch mine.
Itfeels like coming home to everythingI’veever wanted when it comes to him.Thatthought hurts a little becauseI’mnot sure he’s my home anymore.Buta girl can pretend for a while, couldn’t she?
Iwrap my arms around his neck and cling to him like this is the last timeI’llever be kissing him.Iput as much effort asIcan muster into it because this actually might be the last time for us.