Page 94 of Broken Empire
“You’rea real asshole, you know that?”
“I’mjust trying to help you, bro.”
“Howthe fuck is that helping?”
“Becauseshe’s not happy here!Atleast, not yet.Yeah, the therapy sessions have been helping a little, but she needs some time alone and away from you.Justgive her that,” he pleads with me.
“So,I’mthe reason she’s not happy?”Iquestion, my gut hurting at everythingI’mhearing.Hewalks over to me, intending to hug me, butIback away from him.
“That’snot whatI’msaying, bro.I’msaying let her work through things on her own for a while.Iknow she’ll be back soon,” he tells me.
“Ineed to be alone andIdon’t want either of you to fucking follow me,”Itell them before walking out of the room.
Imake my way to my office, my chest tight all the way there, and close the door behind me.Rightnow, it feels as thoughI’vereally and truly lost her and that pain is fucking unbearable.
There’stoo much going on inside me and it literally feels likeI’mfucking dying inside.Tearsstream down my face, and thenIget angry.Notat her, never at her, but at the situation we’re currently in.
Igrab a bottle of liquor from the cabinet and take a few gulps directly from it.Itburns going down my throat, butIguessI’drather feel that burn compared to the one currently destroying my heart.
BeforeIeven know what’s going on,I’mtrashing my office.Igrab my computer monitor and smash it onto the floor.Thatis followed by everything else on my desk.Imove on to the shelves, taking the vases and flinging them against the wall.
Ikeep drinking while creating this chaos around me.I’mpanting from exertion after a while andI’vegot a pretty good buzz going on.Ihear a gut-wrenching scream and it takes a moment for me to realize that it’s coming from me.
I’mfull-on sobbing asIslide down the wall to sit on the floor.Ikeep drinking becauseIwant the pain to go away.Ithurts too fucking much.Myfoot and hand sting and, whenIlook at both, they’re bleeding.
Huh?Whenthe hell didItake my shoes off?Myarms are also covered in cuts.Ifinally lift my head up to look at the room and it is completely destroyed.There’sbroken glass and furniture everywhere.Ilift the liquor bottle up to my lips once more and take a long drink.
“Here’sto me for fucking it all up once again,”Imumble into the empty room.
MASON
Idon’t knowhow longIsit there on the floor in my trashed-to-hell office, but it must have been for a while.I’mabsolutely shitfaced and yetIkeep going becauseIcan’t seem to stop myself.Ican’t believe she left me again.
Ihate the fact that she’s always running away from me, especially after having some kind of intense intimate moment between us, or after we’ve made some progress in the right direction with our relationship.
Everytime she runs, it fucks with my head really bad.Now, after this last stunt she’s pulled,Ihonestly don’t know how much longerIcan take any of this.Idon’t know if she wants me to die for her, just to prove how sorryIam, since nothing else seems to be working.
Yeah,IknowImessed up.Iadmitted to that and have owned it, but since then,I’vebeen working my butt off to show her how muchIregret all the thingsIdid.I’vebeen trying, really fucking trying, to make things right, but nothing seems to be working.Forthe first time in a long time,Itruly feel hopeless.I’mlost.
Idon’t know what to do anymore.Idon’t know how to try anymore.Idon’t know what she wants from me because nothingIdo has ever been good enough for her.AmInot trying enough?AmInot bleeding enough?Brokenenough?
Hasn’tshe punished me enough for all my sins against her?Iknow that’s what she’s been doing.Shemay or may not be doing it consciously, but that is exactly what’s been happening.I’mbleeding too, just like she was.
Idon’t know if we’ll be able to save each other, becauseI’mgoing down a dark hole without anyone there to stop it.Thepain in my chest and in my soul is becoming more thanIcan bear.Idon’t know what else to do…
Arewe drifting apart?Isour love dead?Wewere never supposed to love each other in the first place, but then we went ahead and broke all the rules that said we couldn’t be together.
Ithonestly feels like we’ve lived a thousand lives and died a thousand deaths.We’vebeen through different traumas and pieces of us died somewhere along the way.We’vehad to change and become a different version of ourselves.Theversion that survives after you’ve been through something horrid because the old you wouldn’t be able to survive through the new normal.
We’renot the same people we were when we first met and now,Idon’t know how to be the person she needs.Idon’t even know if we can survive anymore, with all of the shit we’ve had thrown at us.
I’dgive anything for her to just let me love this version of her because sooner or later, we’d change again anyway, because that’s what happens in life.Youevolve and grow after every stage, whether it be by a small margin or a big one.Iwant to love her through the version she is right now and then through all the versions she’ll transition into as time goes on.Iwant them all.Ijust don’t know if that’s something she wants anymore…
Ilift the bottle to my mouth and am disappointed to find it empty.Howmuch didIdrink?Itry to stand on my feet and make it a step beforeIslip on something.Icrash into the floor and let out a groan, asIfeel shards of glass stick into my skin.Fuckinghell, that hurts!
Iturn onto my back, which doesn’t make it any better.Ican feel them in my back now, but whatever,I’mtoo wasted to care at this point.Ijust lie there, staring up at the ceiling, waiting to die or pass out, soIwon’t feel this unending misery anymore.
I’mso lost in my own turmoil and pain thatIdon’t hear the door to my office open, untilIhear their stupid voices.