Page 84 of Twisted Heathens
A couple of girls introduce themselves, Kate and Lana, both newly transferred from juvie prison. They can’t be older than sixteen, but wear their aggression like a coat of armour. Lana, her brown hair cut into a short pixie cut, spares me a chin jerk of respect. Apparently my threat has earned me some street cred or something.
Sadie thanks the group and leads us through another stupid exercise, as is her style. Once the torture is over, she lets out a relieved sigh. “Isn’t that better?”
Nobody answers. We all seem equally unimpressed.
“Okay, today we are going to be working on fear. A powerful emotion, one that can lead us astray in so many ways. What we’re going to do is this. Each person will write on their Post-it what they are afraid of. These all go in a hat”—she raises the beanie clasped between her hands—“and we’ll each go around and pick one. That person must offer some constructive suggestion for tackling that fear.”
After a collective groan from the group, Sadie tuts disapprovingly.
“Come on now, let’s give it a go. And remember, be honest. This is all anonymous, so really challenge yourself. Choose something that is important to your recovery.”
We’re given five minutes, of which I spend at least four and a half staring at my pencil. Not a single part of me wants to do this bullshit. Teegan seems stuck too, the paper crumpled between her clenched hands. Without having to say a word, I get the issue.
We’re all ruled by fear. The dark, amorphous cloud that touches every life one way or another. Narrowing it down to any single thing is an insurmountable task.
“Thirty seconds,” Sadie calls.
Lie. Make something up. Leave it blank. The choices run through my head, but in the last five seconds I take a leap of faith. Scribbling hard enough to break through the paper, I angrily toss my answer into the hat.
“Okay then! Let’s see what we’ve got.” Sadie takes the hat and gives it a stir, before walking around the circle and handing each person a piece of paper.
“Leon, why don’t you start us off.”
The blonde-haired, blue-eyed jock gives her a charming smile. He’s one of Rio’s goons and turns my stomach with just a look. “Sure, Sadie. I’m afraid that if I don’t get laid pretty fucking soon, my dick’s gonna fall off. You want to help me out?”
Raucous laughter erupts as Sadie gives him a scowl. Even I’m struggling to hold the giggles in. “Firstly, remember the group rules or you’ll be put in front of the warden for a little chat. Secondly, you should be reading what’s on the paper, not what you wrote.”
“Sorry Ma’am, my bad.” He shrugs, fighting a grin.
“Okay, let’s move swiftly on. Teegan?”
Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Teegan unfolds her bit of paper and clears her throat. “Um, this person is afraid of failure.”
“Good. Now what would you suggest to that person to help them with their fear?”
Teegan sits impossibly still, riddled with anxiety as the entire class looks at her. “Ah, I guess I’d say that as long as you keep trying, it doesn’t matter if you fail. The effort is what counts.”
Sadie beams at her. “Very nice, I think that is good advice. We’re all afraid of getting things wrong, of letting people down. But as Teegan suggests, sometimes that is inevitable.” Her eyes stray to mine momentarily. “Sometimes it’s the showing up and getting your hands dirty that counts.”
Subtlety was never really her strong suit.
A few more take their turns, fears ranging from the profound, to more sleazy jokes from the clearly sexually frustrated assholes in the group. When Lana picks up her note and reads it, she pauses for a moment, silently pondering before clearing her throat.
“This person said… I’m afraid of becoming the monster the world thinks I am.”
A hush takes over the room as I school my expression, ensuring nothing slips out. Tension sits heavily in the air and Sadie casts a glance around, forcing an encouraging smile.
“We’re all here for a reason, folks. Some more serious than others, but we share a common goal. We all want to do better than we’ve done before. To amount to more than what our mistakes make us. Lana, what would you like to say to that person?”
Lana gives a slow, cold smile while crossing her legs. “I’d say that when some cunt came at me in prison, I shanked her so fucking hard she’s shitting in a bag now. So fuck everyone’s opinions, nothin’ wrong with a little blood and that ain’t what makes you a monster.”
Raising an eyebrow, she shoots me a wink. “It’s all subjective.”
I can’t help but return her dark smile from across the room, while others whisper to each other and giggle. Sadie’s mouth hangs open and she struggles to find an adequate response, speechless for the first time I’ve ever seen. “Well, ah. Thanks for that, Lana…”
“No problem,” she replies casually.
The other’s answers pale in comparison after that. I mostly tune out, happy to daydream rather than play Sadie’s stupid little game. When the session’s up, I make my excuses to Teegan and hang back as the room empties. Sadie shoves her stuff away and immediately comes to me, wrapping me in a tight hug.