Page 6 of Fixation of the Mind
I turned my rage to the weakest link and the least hurtful of the three. “Let's start with you, Ravi. What the fuck?!”
He sighed, slumping farther down as he mumbled, “It's just a bunch of pictures. No harm.”
My legs took over as I got up and parked myself right in front of him. “It's not just pictures. There's a blown-up version of me in pillow form and a shrine-looking thing with all sorts of pictures!” I hesitated for a second before I whispered, “And my panties.”
Ravi’s head lifted, his face contorted into a snarl, like he had become a beast with a flip of a switch. “Those are mine! You gave them to me!”
My body instantly leaned back even though my mind assured me he wouldn't hurt me. His eyes held a feral edge, like desperation and survival were battling to take over. His fists were clenched on his thighs, and his breathing came in and out at a rapid, heavy pace. I couldn’t have a conversation with him like this. I needed to do something to bring him back, bring him out of this mode.
Lifting a shaky hand, I cupped his face. “Ravi, I’m not trying to take those things away from you.” He blinked a few times, and the frenzy in his eyes slowly disappeared. “I just want to know what's going on because I’m scared. I’m nervous, and I’m… deeply hurt.” I didn’t like admitting that last one, but I thought he needed to hear it.
One of his hands unfurled, cupping my face, his eyes finally clear of the animalistic edge. “We didn’t mean to hurt you.” His gentle hand was warm, and his eyes pleaded for me to believe him. I could feel myself sinking into his earnest gaze, wanting to feel the depths of his despair. The cold ice I’d put around my heart started to crack. Damn it!
I shook my head, pulling away from him. No. I couldn’t get sucked in. I couldn’t fall into the trap that was these boys. I needed to stay strong.
Letting go of him, I intended to go back to my seat, but he snatched my hand, tugging it just enough for me to face him. He looked down at our entwined hands as he spoke softly. “I needed a way to feel connected to you. To feel like you were with me, around me, because when you're not, life just seems dull, gray, worthless.” He looked up at me, water lining his eyes. “You have always been and will always be my everything, so I thought, why not snatch up as much of you as I could? Why can’t I look? Why can’t I fantasize about you while we’re apart?”
Opening and shutting my mouth, I was finding it hard to say anything. When he put it like that, how could I chastise him? How did I explain that it was creepy and weird when his explanation was kind of sweet and charming?
He squeezed my hand. “I’m not sorry for it. I would do it again a million times over, and if you didn't come here when you did, then my whole room would be covered in your photos like a stalker. It would be the only way I could get through the day.”
Well, fuck, how do I combat that?
“Ravi’s obsession is harmless. The least problematic. If you want someone to be angry at, be angry at me,” Rion called out, and I turned to him.
“You don’t think I already am?” My words had him flinching, but he kept his head high, indicating that he wasn't remorseful. “I get Ravi, but you... You’ve known where I was and how I was doing this whole time?” My voice broke at the end, swallowing down a sob. That was what really hurt, the thought of him watching and never doing anything.
“It isn't like what you're thinking.” His hand ran through his hair, making the normally perfectly sculpted do into a mess. I hated it at that moment, but I had to admit it still looked gorgeous.
“I kept tabs on you in high school, but it was more from afar, data collected from others. You didn’t post on social media, and that damn town had only two security cameras, one on the bank and one on the police station, so I had to make do. It wasn't until we were eighteen that we were even in a position to try to find you in person. By the time we checked out the orphanage, you had already left. We searched online, but my program was relatively new and we didn't have an updated picture of you to go by. You were suspiciously good at keeping yourself hidden from cameras.” This time, he glared at me, and I almost laughed.
To think that I, Layrin Smith, had almost outfoxed the perfect prince… It was laughable. I would’ve been proud if my soul wasn't whirling with different emotions, going so hard and fast that I couldn’t keep a hold of any of them long enough to name it. Just keep going, Layrin. Get all the answers you need.
I straightened up, matching his glare with one of my own. “Then how did you find me? Those thumb drives looked like you’ve been keeping tabs on me for—”
“The past two years, five months, two days, and sixteen hours. Yes. Catching you was intermittent at best since you normally avoid cameras, but I’ve occasionally caught you when you didn't have a choice.” My body stilled as he rattled off his number, but he just shrugged. “That's only the data post-high-school years. Anything pre has been stored away.”
“And the bloody band-aid? Hair? Samples? Medical records?” He looked up at me as I folded my arms, making sure he understood I wasn’t letting those go.
He leaned back against the couch. “Same as Ravi, just my way of keeping you close to me. Bringing me solace when our lives felt like dread. We had to have a goal to work toward, and that was you.” He mumbled something out the side of his mouth, but the only words I heard were, “Our perfection.”
It was hard to navigate this issue because I understood it to some degree. I could empathize with Ravi and Rion. Even if I thought their outlets were weird, the pull to be with someone was understandable, especially if they hadn’t had a lot of positive relationships in their lives after they left the orphanage. To be drawn to someone so fully… Well, it wasn’t reasonable. They just didn't want to be alone anymore. I bet it was hard growing up to be a killer.
My thoughts snagged on my high school days when I’d felt the most alone, the most abandoned, and I turned on my heel toward Roux. “And you.” He stiffened at my words, but it could’ve been my tone because my voice went low and deep. “You have no idea how horrible you made my life. I told you what they called me, how they spat in my face every time they had a chance!” I growled, throwing up my hands as my veins filled with molten rage.
“The cursed child. The bad omen. The girl to stay away from. I was a social pariah for four years. Hated. Feared. Ignored.” My voice shook as I remembered the feeling of accusing eyes and nasty words mumbled under one's breath. “And yet you sat there and pitied me when I told you even though you knew it was because of you!”
He launched out of his seat, eyes flaring with agitation. “How do you think we felt?! It might seem simple to you, but it was agonizing to learn third hand what you were doing. Knowing that you were seeing other people, that some girl was bullying you! Were we supposed to just sit by and let you be touched? Let you be abused?”
The volume of his voice had me flinching, but he kept going, chest puffed out like it was armor. “We take care of what’s ours, and we decided a long time ago that you belonged in that category.” He took a slow, menacing step forward, trying to intimidate me, but that was the wrong move.
While I was usually one to fly under the radar, not wanting to attract trouble, I was still that girl who had jumped in front of a group of boys to defend those I thought needed it. That girl burst forward, going chest to chest with a man twice her size.
“And you think that gives you the right? That I should be on my hands and knees thanking you?” Rolling my eyes, I scoffed, a cruel laugh spilling out of my lips before my eyes narrowed on his. “Who said that I agreed to be yours, huh? You barely even like me!”
His mouth twisted up, veins popping out along his neck as his hands fisted at his sides.
My whole focus was on the menacing man in front of me even though I heard Rion talking beside us. “Let's take a break. Calm down. It won't do any of us any good to be at each other’s throats.”