Page 7 of Fixation of the Mind

While my muscles ached from the day's activities, my mind tired and on information overload, my soul was ready to keep going, to fight this out to the death. The only thing that changed my mind was Roux’s reaction.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his shoulders slumping before he opened his eyes again. The ire that had spit venom just seconds ago was replaced with something I couldn't quite understand, something softer. “We should sleep and talk again in the morning. It will give you more time to think of questions now that you know a little bit.”

Like his words had sucked up all the negativity in the room, my body grew heavy, muscles groaning at how sore I really was. Suddenly, his suggestion didn't seem so bad. Maybe I did need to take a breath, think about what I’d just learned, and re-evaluate. I nodded, not trusting my mouth to say it in a kind and productive way.

The three of them turned toward the stairs, their heads hung like they’d been through the wringer.

Glancing around, I realized that I wasn’t in any kind of head space to be in one of their rooms, and a little pang of hurt sliced through my heart. That safety that I craved had been taken, and what was left was distrust and hesitancy. This wasn't how I ever pictured our relationship going, but here we were. The pedestal they were on had been knocked down, and we needed to deal with the aftermath.

My backpack and other belongings were still in the room, splayed out, reminding me how panicked I had been when I left the house. It felt like so long ago. Picking up the notebook and a few scattered things, I shoved them in my bag.

“What are you doing?”

My head swung up to see the three of them looking at me with pinched expressions. I huffed before any of them could say more. “I'm packing up. If one of you could call me an Uber, I would appreciate it. I don’t have my phone.”

They looked at each other before Rion stepped down. “Rin, you can’t leave. We still don’t know who tried to run you over. It’s too unsafe with an unknown assailant out on the loose.”

Looking away, I thought about it. He might be right. This group they belonged to, Foedus, had a hierarchy I knew nothing about. Maybe someone else wanted to get back at the guys though me? Biting my lip, I tried to come up with some reason as to why I had to leave, but nothing was coming to me on the spot.

Ravi stepped down, sighing as he leaned up against the railing. “Rin, please stay with us. If you don’t, we’re just going to follow you and keep watch all night, and I really think we all need some sleep.”

I could tell by the others’ faces that Ravi was right. As much as I wanted it to be, leaving wasn’t a solution right now. “Fine,” I grumbled, “but I’m sleeping on the couch.” My silent words, I’m not comfortable with you, rang out loud and clear as pain filled those gorgeous hazel eyes.

Rion turned, taking the stairs two at a time, and came back with a fluffy pillow and comforter. “Here.” He pushed them into my hands. He could be salty about it, but I still appreciated that he was trying to make me comfortable. I nodded, not knowing what to say.

He headed back for the stairs, and I thought that was it until he turned around, eyes down. “I’m not going to apologize or regret what we’ve done, but please think about this… We’re killers, murderers, psychos. We don't know the proper way to court you. All we know is we want you safe, happy, and by our side.”

His head tilted up, his eyes shining like golden honey. “That has and always will be our goal. Tonight hasn't changed that. You're it for us until these bones and this body turns to dust. Even then, our souls will find you wherever you are. I hope you think about that as you judge us tonight.”

Without another word, they left me standing speechless.

Chapter 3

Blink. Spin. Blink. Spin.

It didn't register that I’d spent all night watching the fan go round and round until the sun tried to peek its way around my blackout curtains.

I couldn't sleep. Even with my body drained of energy from the past twenty-four hours, my mind wouldn't stop. The whole night, my mind switched between debilitating soul-crushing despair and trying to walk myself off a ledge with logic.

She’d found out, and now she hated us. Was she going to leave? What if she got hurt? We still hadn’t figured out who was after her. Now that we’d confirmed Foedus knew about her, didn’t we need to claim her fast just to get them to back off? If it was life or death, she would choose us over death, right?

My heart squeezed at that thought. It was just as bad as thinking that she would never want to see us again… which would mean we would have to go back to watching her. Go back to being invisible.

My hands tightened into fists, squeezing so hard they started to shake. I don't want to go back!

Now that I’d tasted the sweetest fruit alive, I couldn't go back to cardboard, to that nothingness we had lived with for years. Life without Rin felt empty, meaningless. No direction. Just watching and wanting. The only thing left was to use this body to follow my uncle's orders and wait until the day I could end it all. A life without Rin wasn't a life. It was a death sentence!

With each second that ticked away, the urge to wake her up and tell her that I would quit and runaway with her was becoming harder and harder to resist. My mind ran off down the crazy train… and I didn't hate it. We could leave this all behind and start a new life somewhere. Take on a new identity far away from here. We wouldn't be the Ambros heir. We wouldn't be anyone important. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking her name.

My heart pounded at playing up the fantasy in my head. The thought of her walking down an aisle, my brothers beside me, took my breath away. We could make it work. Rion and I on each side of her with Roux behind. We could let him have the first kiss, but I would for sure fight for the second kiss. Knowing Rion, he would be fine with the last because he could make it the longest. Maybe I wanted the last kiss?

The reality of our situation came crashing down, and I landed my forearm on top of my eyes, groaning at myself. I was dreaming again. Her look of betrayal flashed in my mind, and it made me want to bang my head into the wall until it bled. I knew that we had a long, hard road if we wanted to get her back to the idea of a forever with us.

A light knock came at my door, and I huffed. My body creaked, the stiffness in my legs causing me to take longer to get up. My soul felt heavy and dark, like it just wanted to curl up and never be seen again, but that wasn’t the answer to our problems. Even I knew that.

Yanking open the door, I found Roux and Rion, both of them looking me up and down with eyes that saw far too much—not that I was capable of hiding shit at the moment. “Wow. I’ve never seen you look so haggard.” Roux laughed before he added, “Not even after weeks of torture training did you look this bad.”

Scrunching my nose, I growled, “What do you want? If it's just to insult me, you can leave.”