Page 121 of Daydream
“I get the sister guilt, so I know exactly what you mean. I struggled with it a lot the first year living away from home. I’ll make sure he checks in when I next hear from him.”
“I really hope we get more chances to hang out properly before I graduate. I really want to know you, Halle.”
I watch as Anastasia climbs into her car and drives off, leaving me analyzing if she meant what she said because she thinks I’ll still be around, or if she was just being polite.
WHENIWAS LEAVINGHENRY’Shouse after agreeing to give him as much time as he needs, I told him there was no pressure to keep me updated.
I know that the simplest of tasks can feel like a heavy weight to him, and he will ruminate for hours over completing it when he isn’t in a great frame of mind. I told him I’d rather he concentrates on feeling better than trying to keep me up to date with how he feels when he might not be able to explain it.
It was the right thing for me to say, but I still miss him. I’m wondering if Anastasia found him, and if I should have been the one trying to track him down instead of sticking to what I said.
I feel foolish more than anything. Maybe his other friends are what he needs right now and I’m not. I’m ashamed to admit that the idea that he could be out with his friends having dinner or something while I’m at home worrying makes me sad. Especially because I’m not supposed to be worrying.
Not sad because I don’t want him to feel better, and a genuine part of that might be to get out with his hockey friends, but because Will’s arrogant voice is playing on a loop in my head, and I can’t get it to stop.
I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this. I’m not going to sink the ship because the waters are rough. I am too good at fixing everyone else’s problems to fail when I have my own. I’m making my own rule book, and the first thing on the list is that I’m not going to make myself upset over hypothetical situations.
Will told me that Henry would get bored of me. He told me that they were always going to behisfriends, and I’d lose them, like I lost his, when Henry decided he didn’t want me anymore. It’s that thought that’s been plaguing me, even though it went against rule number two, which was never thinking about Will, but it’s the reason I’m so surprised when I answer the knock at my front door and Aurora, Emilia, Poppy, and Cami are standing on my doorstep.
I’ve had more unexpected visitors this week than I’ve had the entire time I’ve lived in Maple Hills. I take one look at Aurora and my heart drops. “Oh my God, Aurora, I’m so sorry I forgot about your group project.”
She looks stunned. “What? No! I don’t care about that! That’s not why I’m here!”
“This is an ambush,” Poppy says, immediately lunging forward to give me a hug.
I look at the rest of them through a face full of Poppy’s curls. Cami holds up something behind Emilia’s head. “But it’s an ambush that comes with wine.”
“And Kenny’s wings,” Emilia adds, holding up two paper bags with the familiar Kenny’s branding. “Or some weird tofu vegan thing Aurora has if you’re feeling especially masochistic today.”
“You’re the only lesbian I know who doesn’t like tofu. Lesbianslovetofu,” Aurora says, holding up her own paper bag.
“I’m not sure you’re qualified to make such sweeping statements, Ror,” Emilia says, side-eyeing her. “Especially when your data pool is me and Poppy.”
“If this is a safe space to speak my truth, love is too big a statement to make. I can tolerate tofu.”
“Guys,” Cami says. “The ambush.”
“We want to check that you’re okay, and make sure you’re eating and drinking, and whatever else you like to do but might not be doing,” Poppy says, almost like she’s reciting something from memory, making me think it was pre-agreed. “We hope it’s okay to just randomly show up, but we thought you might not be honest if we only texted. So here we are. Ambushing.”
I realize I’m just observing from my doorstep like a weird out-of-body experience. The four of them look at me expectantly. “Do you want to come in?”
Closing the door behind them, I consider if there’s some kind of visit-Halle memo that I didn’t get as we all head into my living room. I follow them into the kitchen and watch like some kind of lingering ghost as they work to get five plates, five glasses, napkins, and ranch dressing.
“This is the cutest kitchen I’ve ever seen in my life,” Aurora says. “I’m obsessed.”
“So fun, right?” Cami says, running her hand along the window curtains.
I want to tell them that I’ve thought about changing it so many times but can’t bring myself to say goodbye to something so quintessentially part of my nana and who she was. She would have loved the idea of the four of them plating up wings and pouring wine while admiring her handiwork. This is what she imagined when we planned for me to move in with her, and she was so excited to be one of the girls.
What wasn’t part of her vision, or mine actually, was for me to start randomly crying because I have the thing I’ve always wanted but it feels like sand escaping through my fingers.
I’m not sure who is the first to hug me, or the last, but one by one the four of them wrap their arms around me. “Oh, Halle,” Cami says softly. “I’m sorry things are weird right now.”
They let go of me and take a step back, giving me space to wipe beneath my eyes. “Do you guys know something I don’t?”
“No! But let’s go sit down. Here, take your wine,” she says, handing me a very full glass. We take seats in the living room, Aurora and me on chairs opposite each other, and the other three on the couch with Joy. “I saw Stassie in the library this morning and she said she stopped by yesterday. I won’t sugarcoat it, Hals. She said that you looked really fucking sad. Henry told Russ and Robbie he was going to stay somewhere else for a while to feel better, so we all assumed he was here with you.”
It’s almost funny that Anastasia said I looked sad when I definitely thought I was holding it together.