Page 108 of Mad Love
She’s sitting in front of Caleb’s high chair feeding him two of his favorite foods, carrots and pears. He is pounding the tray each time she gives him a bite, and she manages to keep him from grabbing the baby food himself, which saves us all from a huge mess.
I kiss her and Caleb, and my eyes go back to Sadie. She’s been quiet the past few days. I’ve asked her if anything is up, but she hasn’t said anything but that she’s tired and has a lot on her mind.
“You okay?” I ask, my hand trailing down her cheek.
“I have something to talk to you about, but I haven’t known if I should tell you right before a game. But it’s kind of always right before a game, so…”
“You should definitely tell me.” My apprehension doubles when she looks up at me and sighs, looking like she’s carrying the weight of the world.
She nods. “I will. Let’s get him fed and bathed and when I put him to bed, I’ll show you.”
“You’re scaring me, Chapman.”
Her eyes soften. “Don’t be scared. It has nothing to do with me or how I feel about you.”
That puts me at ease, but my mind also goes to a hundred other possibilities. It’s hard to imagine what could be upsetting her like this if it isn’t about us.
She relaxes a bit when we’re giving Caleb a bath, and after I’ve read a book and put him to bed, I go down to the wine cellar and bring up a bottle that she likes.
She smiles when she sees it and says, “Yes, please. I didn’t make much for dinner.”
I look at the grilled chicken breasts, broccoli, and huge salad full of vegetables and fruit and nuts.
“Are you kidding? This looks perfect.”
We sit at the table and I wait for her to say something. When she does, I exhale, not realizing how long I’d been holding my breath.
“I’ve been reading Sasha’s journals…for a while now. In bits and pieces, when I could take it. It’s been a lot to process.”
This isn’t an option I was even expecting and the dread in me builds. What kinds of things did Sasha say about me in her journals?
“Some of it is things I remember and the way I remember it happening. A lot of it is things I didn’t know. I thought I knew my sister really well, that she was an open book, but there was alot she kept inside. I’m conflicted by a lot of it. There were things in there I’d rather not have known.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how much of it you want to know when it comes to what she wrote about you—she doesn’t say anything bad, so don’t worry about that. And I believed you before reading this, once I got to know you, but it’s clear from the journals that she didn’t tell you about Caleb. But…I thought you should know…she did try to tell you once. Not long before Caleb was born.”
I’ve been sweating since she started talking, but when she gets to the last couple of sentences, I gulp down the wine and wipe my forehead with my napkin.
“It would’ve been at your other house…before you had so much security, because she went right up to your front door.”
I frown. “No. I would’ve remembered that.”
“You didn’t answer the door. She said a beautiful woman did. A few years older than her, and a bit taller, light brown hair, designer clothes. And nothing was said for a few moments until the woman spoke and said, “This is really pathetic, you know.”
I stare at her in shock. Someone knew a pregnant woman showed up at my house and didn’t tell me? I have no idea who that could’ve been. Around the time before Caleb was born, I wasn’t having women over all the time, but it still happened often enough. I rack my brain for who it could’ve been.
“I can’t believe it,” I say. “She came to my house?”
For reasons I can’t fully put into words, this news shatters me. I’ve tried to work through the resentment I’ve held against Sasha, and to know that she did try and was spoken to that way…everything would be so different if I’d known. I would’ve been there when my son was born. I would have had those early moments with him. I would’ve assured Sasha that they’d be taken care of.
I blink back tears and Sadie reaches out and takes my hand.
“I know. It helps me to know she did try to let you know, even though I don’t think she planned on trying again anytime soon after that. But there was also a letter for Caleb where she tells him about you.”
I nod and a tear runs down my cheek. I swipe it away quickly.
“I’m glad,” I say. It’s all I can get out.
“I’m sorry,” Sadie whispers.
She reaches out and hugs me, and we hold each other for a long time.