Page 34 of Rest In Pieces
I bite my lip, trying not to laugh at the little grudge holder’s tone. “No, G.”
“Ah. Drunky McDrunkerson. I bet he feels like crap this morning.”
“He was eating pancakes and bacon and looked like sex on a stick.”
“Sounds about right,” she grumbles, taking a bite of her hamburger.
“He kissed me.”
She chokes on her food before glaring at me. “And you waited all this time to tell me?”
“What, like a whole three and a half minutes? You’re right, I’m a horrible friend. Forgive me,” I mock.
“Forgiven. So, how was it? Was it a chaste kiss, or was it a full-blown make-out session? Wait, he’s a biker. They don’t do chaste. They do lots of public fu—oh my goodness, you had sex at the diner!” she screeches as I wait for her brain to catch up with her mouth. “No, wait. You wouldn’t do that. Well, maybe after a few drinks.”
I throw a piece of egg at her, which hits her cheek and sticks there. Without flinching, she picks it off and eats it.
“So, was it good?”
“The sex I didn’t have? Oh yeah, amazing.”
She sighs. “I know you didn’t have sex at the diner.”
“Pippin. I haven’t had sex since I tripped and fell on Jacob’s dick last November.”
“Ah yes, you were going through a clumsy phase.”
I shrug. “It happens.”
“A lot, apparently.”
“What can I say? It was a big dick. Major tripping hazard.”
“Shame his penis wasn’t the only big thing about him.”
“You can say ‘dick,’ Pippin. There’s nobody else here but you and me.”
She sticks her tongue out at me before taking another bite of her burger.
“I agree, though. The man’s ego could rival the size of his dick, which, by the way, was the only thing he had going for him. He wanted me to give up my job and become a secretary or something. No offense to secretaries, but that’s not me. I’d go crazy cooped up behind a desk all day. He also wanted me to sell my RV so we could put a down payment on a house.”
“I’ve read all these books about how women shouldn’t try and change men, but nobody ever talks about when men do it. The sneaky, manipulative bastards.”
“Jacob wasn’t a bad guy. He just wasn’t the guy for me. I never saw anything long-term happening with him, and I was upfront about it. But he only heard what he wanted to.”
“Like trying to get you pregnant because his wonder sperm could do anything.”
I burst out laughing at that. “He might not have put it in so many words, but yeah, he thought I was being dramatic when I told him I couldn’t have kids.”
“What a moron. How did you manage to stick it out with him for three months?”
“Did I mention his dick? It was a good nine inches and thick enough to make me walk funny for days.”
“I worry about you.”
“You don’t need to. Me and my vagina are doing just fine over here. Most of the time.”
“Why did that sound like you’ve had a fight with your vagina?”