Page 35 of From the Ashes
Now it was my turn to finally stop wanting him. I had to let him go.
Somehow.
CHAPTER 14
Charlie
Ihad to cash the check in person and that posed a serious problem.
After I’d settled my mother’s estate, her life insurance policy had kicked in. I was surprised to find out she’d taken out such a large policy, but it was a godsend in my darkest days when leaving the house was impossible. Instead of paying me out in one giant lump sum though, I opted for monthly payments for the next ten years. I figured that would give me time to get my life in order and figured out how to deal with the outside world again.
That was six years ago, and I was still terrified to leave the house most days.
Today the check had come in the mail today, on a Friday like it always did. And that was great because all my bills were on autopay and would be coming out the following Monday. That meant I could mobile deposit the check and rest assured that it would clear before payments started going out.
But the app was down for maintenance and all mobile deposits had been turned off. My heart sank when I realized that I would have to go to the bank,in person, to cash the check. Of course, I would’ve used the ATM, but I didn’t drive, and it was only in the drive-thru. Going inside was my only choice, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
It took me a good hour to mentally prepare for my outing. First, I had to make sure I was wearing the right clothes. Usually, I picked a hoodie and jeans, something neutral and plain to make sure people didn’t notice me as I walked the full mile and a half to the bank. I put a single pill in my pocket just in case I began to have a meltdown. I’d been warned that they were highly addictive and to only use them in the worst of emergencies. In the past six years I’d only taken a dozen. But the times I had, they wereveryneeded.
The last two pieces, and probably the most important, were my sunglasses and my headphones. Both of them served to block out intense stimuli from the outside world. Before the crash, I’d never noticed how blinding the sun was or how deafening the sounds of town were. How I’d ever managed to ignore them was beyond me. And now I did everything I could to block them out. In fact, if I could help it, I only ever went out after midnight when the rest of the world was asleep. Only then could I walk around and actually feel some modicum of peace.
However, that’s when the memories attacked me. Needless to say, I did everything I could to remain in my house and was distracted by my computer. Only when my brain was fully consumed by the task at hand, could I forget all the things I’d lost and all the things I’d left behind.
Life in Creekside these days was barely a shade above tolerable. But it was all I had, and I’d come to the conclusion a long time ago that dying was something I wanted to commit to. So, the only thing I could do was soldier on and do the best I could. At least that’s whatmy psychiatrist told me. Sometimes I wondered if those appointments were doing me any good anymore.
But those thoughts could wait. Right now, I needed to go to the bank, before they closed, so I didn’t have to deal with a bunch of overdraft fees and phone calls. If there was one thing I hated more than going outside, it was phone calls.
So, putting on my headphones and flipping on the lo-fi tunes, I stepped outside my front door for the first time in two weeks. I blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust through the sunglasses. Even through the headphones I could hear the sounds of the road and the passing cars. Tapping each of the fingers on my left hand with my thumb, I told myself everything was going to be fine. It was just a nice leisurely walk in the spring air. In fact, it was probably good for me, right?
I made my way down the path to the sidewalk, glancing at the SUV still sitting in the driveway. The insurance company had brought it over after the crash to replace the one that got totaled. But I couldn’t bring myself to drive a car. Maybe ever again. I didn’t trust them. So, for six years, it sat there collecting dust. I’d had someone come over to put it on cinder blocks because the tires kept going flat. And there it sat, deflated tires hanging limply off the rims as they rotted in the sun.
Forcing myself to focus on the ground in front of me, I turned onto the sidewalk and started toward the historic section of downtown. Well, it was theonlydowntown, but everyone liked to refer to it as historic. The truth was, Creekside wasn’t much of a town at all. In the past few years, we’d gotten a couple of fast food places and the grocery store built on an addition. But beyond that, we were just a blink for tourists traveling through the mountains on their way to Eugene or Portland. There wasn’t a lot to do in such a small town and no real scenic stops to visit. And that was just fine with me. The fewer people in Creekside,the better.
I’d gone only a block when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. Glancing up I saw Mrs. McKean standing on her front porch, waving to me with a bright smile on her face. My chest tightened and I hoped she wouldn’t run me down and talk to me again. She had a tendency to do that. I raised a hand in return, doing my best not to grimace as she stepped off her front porch and headed my way.
Apparently today wasnotgoing to be peaceful.
“Hey Charlie,” she said, her voice high and forcefully bright. She’d taken on that tone with me over the past few years. Maybe she thought it was happy or cheerful. To me it just sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
“Hi Mrs. McKean,” I said, pulling one side of the headphones off.
“Out on a walk?”
“Errands. Going to the bank.”
“What a coincidence,” she replied, a big smile on her face as she hitched her red leather purse up on her shoulder. “That’s just where I was going. Mind if I join you?”
“Uh…”
“Good.”
Her arm linked through mine and she began to drag me down the sidewalk. I was taken aback by her forcefulness. Even on a bad day she was never this rough with me.
“You know I worry about you, Charlie,” she began, just like she always did. “You were always such an outdoorsy kid and now you hardly leave the house. Sometimes I find myself walking by or looking out the window just to make sure the lights come on at night.”
“I’m fine,” I replied, not really wanting to talk. “I like being inside.”
“I know that, honey. But you gotta get some sun once in a while. It’s good for you!”