Page 21 of Almost

Blake snorts immediately. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong, Kiera.”

“Blake, I didn’t…” I trail off because I can’t even try to say I didn’t do anything wrong. If they all knew what I said, they’d hate me more than I hate myself. Fuck. Why did Thalia have to follow me out there?

“You didn’t what, Sebastian?” she asks coldly as Kiera stares at me, also waiting for my explanation. I don’t have one for why the sight of Eric and Thalia bothered me so much I needed to remove myself from the room to feel like I could breathe.

“I’m sorry.”

Owen shakes his head at me, the disappointment clear in his body language. “After a while, Bash, the apologies are getting old.”

I know that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

They leave a few minutes later, and all I can do is replay in my mind what Thalia said after she punched me. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

Thalia said she didn’t say no. She said not right now.

I remember how hurt I was in that moment when she didn’t say yes. I know I wasn’t exactly thinking straight when we were talking outside the restaurant because it felt like everything I knew was crashing down around me. I spiraled into my fears and anxiety the more I replayed that moment of looking up at Thalia to see her absolutely horrified. When I came home, she wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to hear her excuses for why I wasn’t good enough for the future she had in mind so I told her to leave.

I didn’t think Thalia would listen. She never listens to me, and I think a part of me was testing to see if she cared enough to fight for us. Except that time, she listened and I didn’t see her again for months.

I thought we were on the same page. Sure, we hadn’t talked about getting engaged, but we’d talked about everything else. It was just another box to check on the list of our plans.

And then it wasn’t.

She didn’t say no.

God, and then I gave the ring to Kiera. I didn’t mean to. I had been planning to go ring shopping so I could propose to Kiera, but I never got rid of the one I bought for Thalia. After Thalia left, her ring sat in a drawer because once again, I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it.

I was visiting Mimi at the nursing home that day, with the intention of asking her if she thought it was the right decision forme because what if she said no too? I got home that night to find Kiera sitting with the open box in her lap. She’d been doing laundry and found it. I panicked because I hadn’t told her about how I proposed to Thalia, and that’s why we broke up.

I didn’t even ask her because I was speechless at the sight of the cursed object, but Kiera started crying yes, and I didn’t know what to do. How could I explain?

Then I got the call Mimi had passed an hour later, and I didn’t have it in me to try to fix my mistake.

I convinced myself it was a happy accident because I was planning on proposing eventually.

I was an idiot to hope Thalia wouldn’t notice. She always had an eye for detail, even after only seeing it for a minute.

“Seb, what’s going on with you?” Kiera asks, re-entering the dining room after walking Blake and Owen out.

I set the ice pack down, trying to figure out how to explain tonight to her. “I don’t know,” I say, because it’s the truth. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve done everything I can the last three years to push Thalia out of my mind, but she’s everywhere.

“Well I don’t know either! For fuck’s sake, just tell me what’s going on without skirting around the truth because exes don’t fight like you and Thalia did tonight!”

I stare at her in shock because Kiera never raises her voice, and she hardly ever curses. Tonight isn’t only on me. I told Kiera for weeks that I didn’t want Thalia as our photographer, but she wouldn’t listen. She begged me, and it made me feel like I was failing by not making her happy. “Thalia and I are exes for a reason, and one of those reasons is that we weren’t on the same page! Nothing has ever been simple with her. I told you that I didn’t want her to be the wedding photographer because every time we’re together, it always ends up like tonight did.”

“So this is my fault?” she asks, surprise and hurt clear across her face. I shake my head quickly because I don’t want her to think that, but I can’t shoulder all the blame when Kiera wouldn’t listen to what I wanted either.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I asked you to pick someone else, literally anyone else but my ex-girlfriend to photograph the wedding. It’s not your fault because I didn’t have to call Thalia and ask, but I did that for you.”

Kiera stares at me with her hands on her hips. “That is exactly what you’re saying. Do you even hear yourself right now? How was I supposed to know that tonight would go like this because you don’t ever talk about her? Not a single fucking word about why you broke up or your relationship. Thalia gave you a black eye tonight, so what exactly did you say to her because Blake and Owen didn’t look surprised by it one bit. Don’t you dare say it’s complicated because I think if you do then I might punch you myself.”

I open my mouth to tell her the truth, but I can’t do it. If I tell her what happened tonight, then there’s a very real chance that she’ll leave me. I can’t lose Kiera. Not when I’ve already lost Thalia.

She laughs in utter disbelief, backing away from me. “You know what? I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you’re trying to come up with. Just answer me this, do you still have feelings for Thalia?”

“I love you.” And I do. So much. I’m just confused.

“I know you do, but is it enough for you?”