Page 6 of Longing for More
He stepped towards me, though it did nothing to intimidate me as we stood at nearly the same height level. His voice was rough as he spoke next—it nearly sounded just like his commanding attention tone which infuriated me to no end.“Would you lower yourfuckingvoice? There are actual kids just inside of this door,” he seethed, pointing to the door. “And the love of my life, who I’d love to surprise, and not have her breaking up a fistfight.”
I scoffed, shaking my head and tilting it up towards the archway. The toy donation event, held in a local university gymnasium, reverberated with the laughter and screams of children, drowning out any outraged shock in my voice. “Don’t worry,Daddy. No one can hear anything over the amount of noise in that damn room. I think you’ll be just fine.”
“Oh, don’t be a dick.”
“I’m being a dick? You did not just say that. You’re the one who just came up to me, asking me, what?” I asked, lifting my arms up in a giant shrug. “Enter a polyamorous relationship with you and the woman you’ve talked about marrying? Is that even what you want, or are you just asking for my sperm? Does she even knowthisis on your mind?”
His head turned down, though his eyes stayed locked on mine as he analyzed me and my reaction, moving his hands to his hips. He stayed silent. I continued, shocked at my core. “You motherfucker. You haven’t even brought this up to her?”
He sighed, trying to find the words to explain whatever the fuck was going on. “We’ve talked about it, yes. I just don’t think she thought I was being serious. In either options—sex or otherwise. And…I don’t think she thought it was going to be someone we loved, either. If she even agreed to it.”
“Hold on and back up. You’ve talked about what,exactly?”
“Needing to use someone else to try for children. You know I’m infertile, man. You were next to me the day I got the call. We had the tests done.”
“No shit. We got plastered that night. I meant—what exactly did you talk about with Aspen?”
He sighed. “Probably going to a donor clinic.”
“So, I’m a donor clinic now? What thefuck?”
“No!” he nearly shouted, then glanced at the door to make sure no one was coming to investigate the loud sound. “We talked about infertility, yeah. But we’ve also talked about, ya know…inviting someone in for sex before, too. While…I watched.”
I cocked my head to the side and I could have sworn one of my eyes was beginning to twitch. I was freezing in the Michigan weather, but the confusion and outrage muddled any sense of feeling I truly had. “Uh-huh. What? So, you’re gonna knock two birds out with one stone? And tell me this—what happens if it works? If she gets pregnant? Do I just…never come around again? Never seemy own child?”
“Of course not!” he scoffed, exasperated, throwing his hands up. I watched, confused and torn as he lowered them slowly and covered his face with his palms before rubbing his temples tiredly. “I wouldn’t ask you to just ‘be a donor clinic’, Luc. We just want more. And you’re the only man I trust.”
His words hit my heart forcefully. Paired with the tired look on his face, I truly did feel like the Grinch.
Appearing mean, but with a heart growing soft at the mention of being loved and trusted.
We both fell silent for a few moments, attempting to regain our composure to the best of our ability, as we stared out at the parking lot. Ice was beginning to form in the window panes around us, frosty and far too menacing compared to the gentleness of the snow. The topic at hand was a topic that could certainly get heated if we let ourselves, but he did have a point earlier. I was grateful for the time to think, rather than speak.
It was Christmas Eve. Children were around and we were dressed like we were in a Hallmark movie. Even in my dress uniform—it certainly wasn’t a winning scenario.
My voice felt scratchy as I broke the silence after a few minutes had passed. If he was being vulnerable with me, I supposed I could offer the same to him. “You both are like family to me. I don’t have a family anymore, and I don’t want to lose either one of you. Adding sex to any dynamic is the riskiest thing you could ever do.”
“I know.”
“So, why are you asking me this? I know you’re desperate, but this is a whole new level.”
His bright green, nearly illuminant colored eyes looked towards me as his blonde eyebrows furrowed, almost as if it were the stupidest question asked all night. “I told you. Because you’re the only man I would trust for anything like this. I also know Aspen would choose to love us both as one, with the baby being loved above all else, rather than face another ‘What if?’”
His words felt like a blow to my core.
He was willing to do anything for his girl.
I swallowed roughly, knowing—deep in the back of my mind—I wanted to know how that felt. To be chosen, loved, and cared for, even if it was a dumb decision.
An important question hit me. “Are you even gay? Or bisexual? What does any of this mean, Ryder? If she does want this, you know I’m not just going to walk away from either of you. I don’t work like that.” My thoughts were going a mile a minute, though I meant every word of them.
When I loved and craved, I did so fiercely. It was the entire reason I was single and drowning my despairs into work. But he was right—I already did love Aspen, and it would only grow if intimacy and children became involved.
He chuckled darkly. “You ask that as if I know what I’m doing, either. I don’t. I just know we’re longing for more. And if you can’t do it, then I would understand. But you would be the only man I could ever ask.”
I shook my head, frowning as emotion clogged my voice. I voiced everything I was feeling about the significant ask. “I can’t get Aspen pregnant and then just sign off parental rights. That goes against everything I stand for.”
“I wouldn’t want you to do that, anyway. I want you in the picture, for everything, should this even work out. You would be a part of us from the second you touched her.”