Page 76 of Bean
“Would it be okay for me to spend the night?” Jarek then asked, and the moment was gone.
“You’d want to? I only have a full-size bed, not a fancy king like you do. And we won’t have the same privacy here.”
“Are you trying to convince me not to?”
“No!” My cheeks heated. “I want you to stay… But I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“It’s sweet of you to worry, gorgeous, but I’m fine. A smaller bed means we’ll have to cuddle more, no?”
He leaned in and then waited a moment before kissing me. He often did that, giving me that extra pause to say no or prepare for what was to come. Such a little thing, but it meant so much.
I sank into his kiss, plastering myself against him as our tongues danced and dueled. His lips were so soft against mine, and I loved the way he held my face as if I were fragile and priceless, like some kind of treasure. He made me feel special, and that was not an emotion I was used to.
“Do you think you have something on that list of yours we could try?” he whispered against my lips.
I blinked. List? What list? Oh, that list. Why did I always blush as soon as I thought of it? As if it was something to be embarrassed about. “I can check…”
“Mmm, or I could make a suggestion? It’s not like I’ve memorized it or anything…”
“You have?”
“It wasn’t that long of a list, sweet thing, and besides, every single item was something I’d love to do with you…or to you…or have you do to me.”
Still, my insides fluttered like a thousand butterflies had taken wing. “Any suggestions for what we could do? We don’t have that much privacy here, so we can’t be too loud…”
I wanted nothing more than to ask him to… Dang it, even in my head, I couldn’t say the word. Why was that self-judgment still so strong after all that time? I really needed to talk about this with my therapist.
“I’m sorry, but I need to write something down. I know it’s the worst timing, but otherwise, I’ll forget, and it’s important,” I said apologetically.
“If you want, you can tell me, and I’ll remember it for you? Then you can write it down later.”
Gosh, he was so sweet, but could I share this with him? Wasn’t it too personal or even too embarrassing? No, I needed to push through this. I couldn’t hide myself from him, not if I truly wanted more. “I need to talk to my therapist about…about sex. About how I can’t even say the words to myself, how every time I think of it, I freeze internally.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me, sunshine. That can’t be easy.”
“It’s so hard. Like, we were talking about the list and what we could do, and I was thinking that…” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and my chest. “I really want to try a-anal with you. With you inside me, I mean, though I’m sure the other way around would be amazing as well. But I can’t say the word. Like I’m choking on it.”
His face showed nothing but kindness and understanding, not even a trace of judgment or, worse, the sense that he was making fun of me. “You’d like me to fuck you. Is that what you wanted to say?”
I nodded. “But I can’t say it.”
“I understand, and that’s okay. As long as you keep communicating with me and tell me in other ways, it’s all good. Do you think you’d be able to write it?”
Write it? Huh, I’d never even thought of that. “I did write down that list, and it has some…some explicit words on it that I’d have a hard time saying, so I think so?”
“That’s great. That means that if you have a hard time saying something, you can write it down for me.”
“Yeah, I think I could.” I bit my lip. “I’m really difficult, aren’t I?”
He placed a finger on my lips. “Stop saying that. You’re not. You’re special in all the best ways, and none of what you see as difficult is a problem for me.”
It was impossible not to believe him when he looked at me like that. Fueled by a surge of courage, I leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “I would love it if you could…play with my butt again. With my ass.”
His eyes darkened. “Oh, sweetheart, I’d love to.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
JAREK