Page 55 of Forever Found
“She’s safe,” he said as he rose to his feet and finally met my eyes as he stood opposite me. He was studying me hard and I started to suspect what he was thinking.
“I’m not on anything, Asher,” I sighed as I stared at him, letting him see my pupils were regular sized. I’d have been mad, but I could hardly blame him for thinking the worst. It wasn’t like I hadn’t come really fucking close over the last week. Jordan had already asked me if I was using again, but I hadn’t thought much of it because he’d been so angry with me at the time.
“Are you using again?” Asher asked, and his body was so taut as he stood, bracing himself for the answer. He looked terrified and I felt like shit for putting him through that.
“Thought about it,” I admitted. “Even went looking for my dealer the other night.”
“Ad! Why the hell didn’t you call me, or Jordan? Why would you do that?” Asher snapped.
“I didn’t go through with it. I’m still clean, alright? I’m good!” I threw back as I rubbed a hand over my exhausted face.
“You’re not even close to good. Anyone can see that. Why do you think I’m here?” he asked as he stepped back and flopped back into his armchair again.
“Jord? He called you?” I guessed.
“He’s terrified, Adam. He was too scared to even confront you, worried sick he already knew the answer.”
“I’m not using!”
“Where were you then? It’s almost midnight? Are you drinking?” he asked.
“No! Christ! Thanks for the faith in me, brother!” I hissed as I rounded the sofa and sat opposite him in the middle of it. “I’m not using drugs, drinking or whatever the fuck you’re gonna ask me next.”
“Then what? Jord said you’ve been coming and going at all hours, and you’re not exactly looking your best,” he pointed out.
“Meetings, okay! AA fucking meetings. I started going to them a few weeks back when I felt myself slipping. Everything’s such a mess Ash, and the cravings…you have no idea,” I told him as I lowered my head and wrapped my hands around the back of my neck, my gaze on the floor between my feet.
“Oh, I think I have some idea,” Ash laughed coldly. “I think I was dragged into it all enough last time you were addicted, for me to have some basic fucking understanding!” He was pissed now. I could tell by the way he was breathing so fast and fidgeting in the seat he sat in. His cool veneer was slipping.
“She was almost fucking killed!” I yelled as I shot to my feet and started to pace. “I love her Ash. I promised I’d protect her and I failed her! She could have been killed. Eli too. I failed them both.”
“Jesus Christ, Ad. I can’t do this with you again!” Ash snapped as he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from beside the chair and sloshed it into the glass at his side. “If you failed them, then so did I. Sodid Kane and Jordan. We all promised Addy she’d be safe. Even Eli promised her that. Shall we blame him too?”
“You weren’t there! I was. I was the one who just laid there, useless, while they carried her away. I’m the one who was too fucking stupid to get Addy the hell out of there when I should have!”
“And that’s what all this is about? This bullshit is why you’re breaking my sister’s heart and making her sick with guilt and worry? Because you’re drowning in this self-deprecating shit? Fuck me!”
“She’s better off without me, Asher. You know that better than anyone. One crisis and I’m turning back to fucking drugs. How can I ever be good enough for her?” I questioned.
“Maybe you can’t, not if you’re truly this fucking selfish, you prick!” he snapped back.
“I’m trying to protect her.”
“Yeah, well that’s working out just great. Addy isn’t sleeping or eating. She fell apart last night, having a complete meltdown, and the people she wanted, the men she needed, who supposedly love her, were fucking nowhere to be seen. That protecting her? Is ghosting her with zero explanation and allowing her to blame her fucking self for it all, protecting her? She fell in love with you, you asshole, and you’ve hurt her more than you can ever even know.
“Just stay the fuck away from her if this is the best you can do, because I can tell you here and now – it’s not fucking good enough! If this pathetic version of the best friend I grew up with is all that’s left of you, then you should just let her go. She doesn’t need this weak version of who you used to be.” He got to his feet and stormed towards the stairs, leaving me reeling.
“Asher,” I called and I was relieved when he stopped. He was as close to me as Jordan and I didn’t want to lose him from my life. “I’m just trying not to hurt her.”
“Too fucking late, you idiot. Either you find the balls to tell her it’s over, or pull yourself the fuck together and be the man she needs – the man she fucking fell in love with!”
“She still loves me?”
“She never stopped, even when you treated her like shit,” he sighed. “You know I love you, Adam. You’re my brother, but I can’t go through you using again, and neither can Jordan. Remember just how much you have to lose next time you go driving round looking for your dealer.” With that Asher jogged off up the stairs, leaving me alone with my own thoughts and the reality check he’d just given me.
I knew he was right. I was being pathetic. Jordan had told me the same thing, but I couldn’t help the guilt that had consumed me over what Addy and Eli had been through because I failed to protect them. It fed into the guilt I already lived with daily about the death of my parents and my inability to save them, and it had built inside of me until I didn’t see why anyone even wanted me around.
I was a fuck up. Always had been. Except Ash said Addy still loved me, despite everything, and suddenly it felt like I had an excuse to try again. I wanted to be a better person for that tiny slip of a woman. I wanted to prove to her that I was worth loving, and that I loved her just as much in return. As terrified as I was that all I could ever do was let her down, I also knew I didn’t want to let her go, not if there was still a chance.