Page 137 of Into the Dark
He gives me an expectant stare.
“The week after I found out about Caleb, after we fought, I was supposed to start my cycle again, but I didn’t. I forgot. Then there was the night on the stairs…then the next day was when…” I stop talking only because his face is screwed up in what looks like disbelief. Also, I’m certain he knows what the next day was anyway.
“You forgot?” He sounds incredulous.
I pull my chin up as the embarrassment flares hotter. It’s joined by something else: anger. Is he going to try to blame this on me? Oh, he had better not.
“Yes, Jake. I forgot. There was a lot going on in my head. It wasn’t top of my list right then.”
He thinks about responding but decides against it, turning instead to stare out at the pitch-black road ahead. A moment later, he turns back around, something occurring to him. “When did you find this out?” he asks. “How long have you known?”
“Not long,” I answer quickly.
His eyes narrow. “How long is ‘not long,’ Alex? Were we still apart?”
“What? God, no.” I shake my head. “I only went to the doctor on Monday. I did a test at work, but I wanted to wait until I was sure before telling you.”
“Sure? Sure about what? Keeping it?”
“No, not that! I mean sure about it being positive. I mean, I knew I was, but it felt right to wait until I’d spoken to the doctor and had it confirmed. Plus, there’s been so much going on.”
“So much going on?” He’s incredulous again. Still suspicious. “You couldn’t have found two fucking minutes to tell me you were pregnant, Alex? Seriously? Fucking hell!”
“Stop swearing at me, Jake,” I tell him calmly. “And that’s not what I meant either. I meant too much going on with Fred and your deal, and now this Kevin thing, that I didn’t want to worry you or stress you out any more. I wanted to handle it on my own.”
“Oh, on your own? I see. How considerate of you, baby.” If there’s such a thing as a sarcastic nod then it’s what Jake is doing right now. “So why you telling me now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean there’s still a shitload going on, Alex. Why are you telling me this now?” He sounds like he’s attempting to be reasonable even though his voice is still a pitch higher than usual.
Why am I telling him this now?
“Well…I didn’t want to keep it to myself anymore. I wanted you to know,” I venture. “And you had a right to know.”
A visible light snaps on in his eyes. “And there we are! Got there in the fucking end, didn’t we? Yeah, I had a right to know, Alex.”
I feel myself react. My next words aren’t anything I’m proud of. “Is this how you reacted when Vicky told you she was pregnant too?”
He flinches, nostrils flaring as he clenches his jaw. I can almost hear the sound of him grinding his teeth. “This is nothing like me and Vicky, Alex,” he says quietly.
“Really? How so?” I cross my arms.
His face screws up as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Because I fucking love you for a start!” he snaps. “I love you and I trust you, and we’re together in this. And I thought you felt the same fucking way.”
“Of course I feel the same way!” I shout. How can he even think otherwise? “Of course I love you and trust you! For goodness sake—you know that.”
“Then why keep this from me? Why not tell me right away? Why sit on this and worry about this on your own? And I know you have, Alex, because I know you. I know how your head works.” I try to protest, but he talks over me. “Why not talk to me as soon as you knew?”
I swallow, looking down. “I told you, I was waiting! For the right time. I didn’t want you to be upset or angry about it. And it’s this unexpected shock in the middle of everything else…” I wave a hand to demonstrate all our other issues.
He nods slowly as he considers this. “And what happened to you not wanting any more secrets between us?”
At this, I drop my eyes and say nothing. Because I have nothing.
“You lied to me, Alex.”
I lift my head back up. “I didn’t lie to you.”