Page 46 of Into the Dark
“A bit. It’s deeper, more serious. Would you use it in bed if I asked you to?” I hear the smirk on his perfect mouth.
“Jake, I’d probably do anything you asked me to do in bed. You’re extremely persuasive.”
I hear him groan in frustration. “You abandoned me. I woke up alone. I felt fucking used, doctor.”
“I’m sorry about that. But you did look very sexy lying there, and if it makes you feel better, it was much harder than usual to get out of bed this morning.” It really was. I woke up wrapped around him and had to peel myself away.
“Talking of things being harder than usual…” he murmurs.
Something coils in my belly, tight and hot. Okay, I need to change the subject before we end up having phone sex on my office line. “You got my note then?” I left it on the nightstand, propped up against his watch.
“‘Call me when you wake up, you cover-hogging, completely hot sexual deviant. Love, me.’ Yeah, I got it. What do you want?”
I giggle. “Oh, nothing really, I just felt guilty not saying goodbye and wanted to check your plans for later.”
He makes a deep male stretching noise that makes me think of taut muscles and smooth skin, and I close my eyes to enjoy the image. “I should go see Cale because I haven’t seen him for a couple of days. Then I should go to the club to check it hasn’t burned down. Then I should maybe go to the gym.”
I swallow another sip. “Busy day then?”
“I should do all that, but all I can think about is raiding your underwear drawer, having a wank in your bed, and then having your dinner on the table for you when you come home.”
I laugh out loud as I lift my coffee and take a long sip. “I like the sound of all of that. What is wrong with me? But you could do all those things, especially go see Caleb, and still have my dinner on the table waiting for me when I get home. I’ll be back around six.”
“Yeah, I know, but Cale means Vic, and Vic means a fucking headache.” He groans. His use of the nickname for his ex doesn’t wound me the way it previously did. That’s definitely progress.
“Then you should take some ibuprofen from my medicine cabinet and go see your son. Doctor’s orders.”
He’s silent for a moment, and then: “Have I told you that I love you today?”
“No,” I sigh. “But it is very early.”
“Then I’ll say it a few more times before dinner.”
“I love you back. Give Caleb a big hug and kiss from me.”
He sighs softly. “I can’t wait to see you do that yourself, you know.”
“I can’t either. Let’s make it happen. Soon.”
Suddenly, I’m impatient to hold Jake’s child in my arms. To pick out the gestures and features that belong to him. To watch Jake with him. To see that love I’m used to seeing in his eyes for me transform into something else. Something fatherly.
Sudden. Loud. Rushing.
A paroxysm of blinding realization slams into my chest. From nowhere and everywhere all at once.
Jake is still talking, but I’m not really listening…or hearing…or processing…or breathing.
“…make it happen soon. So I’ll see you later then. You want me to come back here tonight?” He sounds faraway.
“Yes, after,” I manage. “Um, sorry, I have to go. Talk later.” I replace the receiver with shaking hands.
It makes sense. Everything makes perfect sense. It’s crystal clear. I sit there, immobile, watching my hands shake, willing the color back into them. Is my face the same? How the hell could I have been so oblivious? Denial? Ignorance? Plain stupidity? Oh, but the stupidity came before, didn’t it—long before. Almost…seven weeks before.
I take a deep breath and stand. I feel sick again. Of course I do. Obviously, I do. The pains I felt this morning are different now, acutely specific. On unsteady legs I cross my office to the cabinet where I keep my supplies. Unlocking it, I take out three. There’s an almost futility to this now because the moment I allowed the thought to enter the thinking part of my brain I knew it. The truth.
I cross the office, go into the small, windowless bathroom, and close the door. Then I follow the instructions to the letter. I don’t need to read them because I must have instructed more than a thousand women on how to do this. I use two simultaneously, then I sit back at my desk and wait.
My mind seems to go into some sort of serene catatonic state as I sit there and wait. It’s the strangest thing. There isn’t even panic in there; there’s just a still quietness. My life is on the cusp of a monumental change, and my mind is like the calmest, clearest ocean.