Page 47 of Into the Dark

I check my watch again, and after seven minutes I turn them both upward to face me.

And there it is.

The answer.

The answer I knew already. So, in essence, the confirmation.

I close my eyes and lean back in my chair to breathe deeply. When I’m certain I’m not going to throw up I sit forward and rest my head in my hands.

How could I have allowed this to happen? How did it happen? I didn’t take my contraceptive for the past six weeks because I didn’t need to. With Ben we didn’t need it, but when I met Jake we were careful. We used protection and I took the fucking pill. Religiously. Every fucking packet. I had an alarm set on my bloody phone. I grab my phone from my bag and check. The alarm’s disabled now because I haven’t restarted them. But we’ve been careful since Saturday.

Bit late now.

I try to think back to the last night Jake and I were together before the day in my kitchen. The night before. It was the night before. I look at my calendar again. The week before was the dinner with Nick and Jin. That night had been…

Fuck.

My course ended on the Friday. The night before I found out about Caleb. Then I spent the week miserable. I didn’t restart because it was the last thing on my bloody mind.

Then we fucked on the stairs.

My next thought is loud and clear. This is my fault.

Jake thought I was on the pill. I told him I was.

I’m a fucking doctor and I let this happen.

The sound of the buzzer announcing my first patient goes, and so I shove the two positive tests into my top drawer and stand up. I need to put the pregnancy issue in the pile along with everything else life-changing for the moment.

The pile’s large and close to tipping over now. But I’ll deal with that later.

Jake

Knowing she’s coming home to me is a feeling of satisfaction I didn’t even know existed. To know there are no more secrets between us. To know she loves me. Still.

The thing I was always terrified would happen since the moment I met her had happened.

She found out who I was.

She left me.

But she came back.

By some fucking miracle, she still wants me. Luck isn’t something I believe in, not really, but I can’t find any other explanation for it.

I still have the Freddy-sized problem to deal with. A plan to execute cleanly, slowly, and carefully. A plan that is slowly but surely coming together. I’ve got to move the pieces gently so I don’t knock the whole fucking thing over and give the game away.

I dial Vicky’s number, but it rings through to voice mail. I relax. Hearing her voice first thing in the morning isn’t something I want to put myself through if I can avoid it.

“It’s me. I’m free today and wondered if you want me to pick him up from nursery. Call me back, yeah?” I hang up and climb out of bed.

I really do feel like rummaging through her knicker drawer, but I’m thinking it probably borders on creepy pervert rather than boyfriend.

Fuck. Is that what I am? Her boyfriend. Is Alex my girlfriend? It feels too small. It doesn’t really come close to what she is to me. Vicky was my girlfriend once. Alex is…more. Love of my life comes close but feels too cheesy, too soft.

But then when it comes to her I suppose I am soft. She has me saying and doing things I’ve never dreamed about doing. The person I am out there doesn’t really exist in here, when it’s just us. She has the greatest, most magical effect on me.

Her shower is warm and comforting, and as I scrub at my body I gaze around her neat bathroom thinking about yesterday when she gave me the key to her house. What if she’d asked me to move in? Could I seriously move out here to a place like this? Where people know my name when I walk down the street, and where I get invited to family barbecues over a garden hedge. It’s not as if people don’t know my name in London. Too many people know it, in fact—it’s just that they’d shit themselves if I turned up to their barbecue. But out here I’d be someone else. I’d be Alex’s boyfriend. Yeah, if I get myself out of this mess, I can see myself settling into that role nicely.