Page 4 of Irreplaceable
“I’ve never really been in a serious relationship. Never had someone propose to me. I’ve never been in love,” I admitted.
“Well, you’re never in one place long enough to meet someone, let alone fall in love,” Alexis teased.
“That’s part of it, but—” I shook my head. I’d admitted more than I’d intended to, but my emotions were going haywire.
“But…?” Lauren nudged me.
“I don’t know.” I stared at the floor. “My job isn’t wholly to blame. I have the worst taste in men.”
Lauren laughed. “You certainly have a type.”
“I can’t help it,” I sighed. “I’m like a bad-boy magnet.”
If only I could make myself fall in love with Crew Dixon. He was the owner of the Hollywood Heatwaves and one of the sweetest guys I’d ever known. Humble. Down-to-earth. Just a good man. We’d spent a lot of time together the past six months, thanks to the fact that his dear friend, Harrison, was married to my best friend. And while we’d gone out a few times, there’d been little spark and no chemistry.
It just seemed like there was a disconnect. Like I was trying to force my heart to get on board with my head because he was a good guy, we had mutual friends, and he wanted to get married and have children.
“Girl.” Lauren hummed. “You need to find a bad boy who’s a good man.”
“Right.” I rolled my eyes. “I think it would be easier to find a unicorn.”
“If anyone gets that, I do,” Lauren said. “But have you ever stopped to think about why you gravitate toward the bad boys?”
“Because they’re hot,” I said, as if it were obvious.
She nodded. “I don’t disagree. But I think if you dig deep, you’ll realize there’s more to it. As much as you say you want a family, you’re afraid of commitment. You’re running from something.”
I scowled. “What? That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” She crossed her arms over her chest, and we stared each other down.
I glanced away. “Whatever.”
Before she’d started dating Hunter, Lauren had always been jaded, cynical, and opposed to relationships. Now she was the love guru? Psh. Right.
Alexis and Juliana nodded their agreement, their expressions grave. Deep down, I feared they were right. I was running. I’d been running my whole life.
“I’m exhausted.” My shoulders sagged. “I’ve given up on love. I just want a baby, and I don’t understand what went wrong. I’m so sick of not knowing.”
Juliana nodded. “Sometimes not knowing is worse than knowing. The unknown sucks.”
She pulled me in for a hug, somehow understanding what I needed without me admitting it. As we stood there, tears bleeding into the expensive silk of her shirt, questions raced through my mind. Was something wrong with me? Would I ever find love? Would I ever be a mom?
“You’re going to be okay,” Lauren said. When I didn’t answer, she said, “I mean it, Harper. Whether you have to adopt or do IVF or whatever, you are going to be a mom someday. I know it.”
“I wish I shared your confidence.” I backed away, cringing as I saw the wet spot on Juliana’s shirt.
“Here,” Juliana said, holding her hand up to my arm. “As my mom always used to tell me—I’m giving you a shot of confidence.” She pointed at the muscle and pretended to depress a syringe.
I laughed, preferring her medicine to any of the medical interventions I’d received the past few months. “Thanks. I needed that.”
She smiled. “Maybe this trip will be a good thing. A chance to take your mind off the IUI and IVF and whatever other acronyms you want to throw in there.”
“Maybe,” I said, though I didn’t believe it.
“You never know what will happen.” Lauren shot me a mischievous grin.
I appreciated their encouragement, but I wasn’t sure anything could possibly change my situation that drastically and quickly. The IUI had failed. I hadn’t applied for adoption—a process that was also time-consuming and emotional. And my prospects of finding a man, a partner, were slim.
Still, I wanted to believe things could change. I wanted to believe that miracles did happen. Even if at the moment all I really felt like doing was giving up.