Page 56 of Tutor With Benefits
“It’s not that,” I tell her. “No, I know that. It’s just, I don’t know how to really say it without sounding absolutely crazy.”
“If you say you want to marry him, I’m going to come over there and slap you,” Anna says. “It’s one thing when you think those things when you’re just pining after him, but it’s a whole new ball game when you get together and you’re dating for a week and you think it’s time for you to walk down the aisle. Like, take the time to get to know each other and find out if he’s really all you think he is first, right?”
“That’s why I feel crazy,” I tell her.
“Why?”
“I don’t know if he’s the guy I thought he was,” I reply. I bite the inside of my cheek and hold my breath as I wait for her to reply. I feel like the silence is deafening as I wait, and the seconds feel like minutes.
“That’s okay,” she replies as though it’s the simplest thing in the world.
“It is?” I ask.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” she asks. “Isn’t that the whole point of dating someone?”
“I guess,” I say. “I don’t know. I don’t date people.”
“You go out with someone so you have the chance to get to know them. It’s why you do it. If you thought he was some perfect person and you went and got married without taking the time to get to know him first, you know what a shit show that would be? Do you know how many unhappy marriages I myself would have had? Jesus, I bet you anything I would be divorced like ten times over at this point.”
I laugh at her analogy. I can’t help myself. Anna has a way of putting things out there that is so straightforward, it’s funny to hear. But I also feel confused.
“I guess I don’t get it,” I tell her. “I mean, I put all this time and effort into getting his attention, and once I do, then I don’t know if he’s the one I want. It makes me feel like I was just more in love with the idea of being with him without even knowing what that was like and I didn’t take the time to really find out if I would like it.”
“No, you’re taking the timenowto figure out if it’s what you want,” she says. “That’s what this is. That’s what dating is. If you like someone, you ask them out so you have the chance to get to know them and then you go from there. You might fall madly in love with them, or you might find out they’re not your cup of tea. That’s life.”
“But do you think I’m crazy?” I ask.
“For what?” she laughs. “For not liking the guy?”
“I didn’t say I don’t like him. I’m just afraid if I just go ahead with this, what if I’m making a mistake?”
“What do you mean?” she asks. “Did you like not dating anyone at all better?”
“No, that was lonely, and I think I was getting to the point of being like a creepy stalker toward Johnny that way.”
“Well, maybe,” she laughs. “But you didn’t know what he was like, and I think it was cute how much you were sure he was so great even when you had no idea about anything about him.”
“Yeah,” I say. “But I don’t know if I should tell him now I’m not really feeling it, or just roll with it.”
“Now you sound confusing to me,” she says. “You say you’re not sure he’s the one for you, and when I say if you don’t like him you should change it, then you tell me that you do like him, but you don’t know. So um, what?”
“I guess that’s how I feel inside, too,” I laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m all over the place. But like, okay, think about it this way—when I thought about him before, I always imagined that when he came over to give me a kiss or a hug, that I would suddenly be in heaven. I imagined I would close my eyes and the whole world would just melt into perfection, and it would all be good.”
“You know it’s not like that with anyone, right?” she asks.
I almost argue with her, and catch myself at the last second. It was like that every time I got a hug or a kiss from any of my three guys. I felt like I was suddenly safe and sound, perfectly protected in their arms. But I never told Anna I was starting to have feelings for them, and I’m not sure even my open-minded former roommate would be able to handle it if I told her I wanted to date all three of them.
“I guess I just thought I would feel more romance toward him. It’s not like he’s bad at kissing or anything, and he really is great about being attentive to me, it’s just that whenever he does take me in his arms, I can’t help but wonder if this is really what I wanted, or if it’s just what I thought I wanted. And you know the way my brain works. Once I get to that point in my head, I start to wonder if I’m doing the right thing by being with him at all. It makes me wonder if I should tell him the things that are going on in my mind, or…ugh, I’m rambling, I’m sorry. Are you still there?”
“I’m here,” she tells me. “And it sounds to me like you really need to just take a deep breath and find out what you want in your own self. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind about someone. You have every right to go out with anyone you want. But I do have to wonder if you don’t have too high of expectations with Johnny, and that’s doing this to you now.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I mean that you have been dreaming about him for so long that you thought things were going to be a certain way when you did get his attention, and now that you’re with him, you realize that he’s just another guy. I’m sure he’s great, but he’s not perfection in every sense, and you’re bound to have some disappointment in that fact because of how high you had him elevated in your head, you know?”
“That does make sense,” I say. “I’ll think about it. But, like, if that is the case, then what? Does that mean I should break up with him?”
“Not necessarily,” Anna says. “It just means that you have to remember that he’s just another guy. He’s not some god who has walked down to Earth for you to try to win over. He’s just a guy who does what all guys do. You then get to decide if he’s the guy you want to be with or not. It’s really simple when you put that fine of a point on it.”