Page 57 of Tutor With Benefits
“I just feel stupid,” I say. “Like, I’m sure you’ve heard the news that we’re dating even not from me. It’s like the whole school caught wind of it, and it spread like a wildfire.”
“Probably because of how you did a one-eighty with your looks,” Anna suggests. “I don’t think it has to do so much with Johnny as with you going from being the quiet one to looking like a bombshell overnight, you know?”
“That’s fair, I guess. I just don’t want to deal with the gossip and the shit that will come if we go out for a short while, then I break up with him, you know? I can’t imagine that it would be very nice to hear, and even if I am doing what I can to be out in the open more, it’s not like it doesn’t bother me when people talk shit about me. I’m still me,” I say.
“Just take it one day at a time,” Anna says. “But listen, I’ve got to get going, my boyfriend is about to get home, and we’re going to head out for dinner. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay,” I tell her. “Thanks for listening and your advice.”
“Just take it easy. Don’t do anything rash. Think about how you want to do things and what you want in life before you make any decisions, and don’t be hard on yourself for what you feel. People change their minds every day, you have that right,” she says.
“Thanks,” I tell her.
We wrap up the conversation, and I hang up the phone. I grab my pillow and lay my head down, taking a deep breath. My phone buzzes and I see that it’s Johnny texting me again. I don’t feel anything but guilty when I see it. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of how I feel.
I can’t believe that I’ve gotten the man of my dreams to pay attention to me, and now I’m suddenly changing my mind. I wish I could tell Anna how I feel about Zach and Taylor and Cory, and how they’re the guys I want to be with. I wish I could tell her that they’re the reason why I don’t feel like I’m happy with Johnny.
But then, maybe she’s right and I’m overthinking this. Maybe I need to take a deep breath and let Johnny get to know me as I take my time getting to know him. There’s no reason for me to make any rash decisions right now, just like she said.
Maybe I’m just feeling guilty because I’m used to the way things were with Zach and Taylor and Cory, but I haven’t texted them at all since I’ve been with Johnny.
I didn’t feel right about it since I was sleeping with them and I wanted to be with Johnny. I figured it was better just to settle into my new life and let them go back to the way they were doing things before me. They all still have my number so they could reach out if they wanted to, and since they haven’t, I can’t help but think they must be okay with how things ended, too.
I close my eyes.
I know I should see what Johnny said so I can respond, but right now I need to just clear my mind and take a breather.
For the first time in my life I don’t know what to do about the attention I’m getting from men. I’ve never thought I would be in this position before, and now look at where I am. It’s not as fun as I thought it would be, and I worry I’m not going to make the right decision.
Maybe I just need to forget about the three guys and focus on what I have with Johnny.
After all, he’s so sweet, and he’s been nothing but great for the past week. There’s still plenty of time for us to get to know each other and I don’t have to worry about the future or what I did to get his attention. I should just focus on the two of us and growing what we have.
I just wish my heart would get on the same page as my mind.
That would make it easy.
But the heart is stubborn, and mine doesn’t know what it wants.
TWENTY
TAYLOR
“Is it just me, or does this place feel empty to you?” I ask Zach and Cory as we sit at our normal booth in the diner.
We all have chili cheeseburgers and fries, and we’re watching the crowd of people coming and going. As usual, the place is busy, but I feel an absence here. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m sure of it.
“Don’t tell me you miss Johnny. The pretty boy isn’t in his usual spot,” Zach says with a nod toward the table where Johnny is usually surrounded by his friends.
“Is that it?” I ask. “Seems like he’s not the one I would be missing.”
“You can’t be missing Tori here. It’s not like she was ever a presence here for long. She’d dash in and grab food then vanish. I don’t know if she ate it or if she just ran back to her dorm to eat it there. But it’s not like you would see her sitting out where we would notice her,” Cory says.
“Damn, I wish we could replay that night she fell on her face with that tray,” I say with a shake of my head. “What I wouldn’t give now to walk over and help her up and tell the whole restaurant to shut the fuck up.”
“Same,” Zach says. “Flip them all the bird and show them what real heroes look like.”
“Do you think she knows we were laughing at her that day?” Cory asks.