Page 77 of Tutor With Benefits
“Sure, but what I’m not happy about is the fact that you and I made eye contact back then. On that very day, I mean. And you don’t remember it as being me,” I say.
“So? I notice you now. What’s the big deal if I didn’t then?” he asks with a shrug. “You have my attention, so what more do you want? Are you going to hold that against me forever?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not, actually. In fact, I wanted to tell you more about what I did to get your attention than I have before.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that it wasn’t my idea to try to come out of my shell to get your attention. It was the idea of a friend of mine. A few friends, actually,” I admit.
“Then you should thank them,” he tells me.
“I’m going to do more than that,” I say.
He gives me an inquisitive look, and I force another smile. “Those friends are all guys, and they noticed me as I was then. They came to find me before I was any of what you see before you now. And they, well, they fell in love with me during this whole process. I guess it was the time we spent together, the way we got to know each other in ways that had nothing to do with the way I look, or the way they look, for that matter. I thought I wanted to be with you, so you were the only one on my mind during the process. But then, when you finally gave me your attention, I realized that I’m not as happy getting it as I thought I would be.”
“Ouch,” Johnny says. “Did you bring me here to tell me that you don’t care about me?”
“No,” I say with a sad smile. “I can’t say that I don’t care about you, because I will always care about you. But, as hard as it is for me to say this, I think you and I should think about the fact that you didn’t notice me until I looked more like this, you know?”
“So?” he asks. “I like girls who like to look like they care about what they look like. I mean, you can’t blame me for not noticing you when you weren’t doing anything to get my attention.”
“It’s not that I blame you, it’s more like I know how you want a girl to look, and I know I’m not always going to look like this. And I’m not talking about aging. I’m not talking about gaining weight or losing weight. I’m talking about the fact that there are days when I just don’t care. There are days when I don’t want to do my hair. I don’t want to put on my makeup. I don’t care if I’m wearing clothes that I wore the day before. I don’t care if I look bad, you see?” I explain.
“That’s something I could deal with. I mean, if you look like this most of the time, then we can work out the days when you don’t. Like, if you want to take the day off, then you can let me know that you’re not going to do shit with yourself, and I’ll let you be. Have fun doing nothing. It’s not like I have to spend every day with you, you know?” he asks.
“Right, but that’s not quite what I mean,” I say. “I don’t want to have to schedule spending time with you. Like, if you show up and I just got out of bed, or maybe it’s in the middle of the afternoon and I just didn’t want to do shit with myself that day, I don’t want to feel like you don’t like the way I look.”
“I said I could put up with it,” he repeats.
“I don’t want that,” I reply. “I should go back to when I said that my friends fell for me.”
“Okay,” he says.
“They fell for me the way I was then. Sure, they love the way I look now, and I appreciate that they do, but I appreciate more that they fell for me before this. They fell for the quiet, wallflower me. They fell for the girl who had no idea what she was doing or who she wanted to be with. I really can’t get them out of my mind. The more I think about going out with you or anyone else, the more I realize that I don’t want anyone else. I fell in love, too, and I fell in love with them.”
“You fell in love with them?” he asks. “You mean, you’re in love with all three of them?”
“Yes,” I say.
“How is that going to work?” he asks.
“It works,” I say. “It works because of the love we have. But I want you to know that it’s how I feel, and because of that, I need to be clear with you. You have been amazing, but I think we need to stop seeing each other as potential partners, and instead focus on our lives separately.”
“Okay,” he says slowly. He takes a deep breath. “That really sucks, Tori. In the past few weeks, I have really started to fall for you myself, you know that? How is it fair that you bring me here to tell me that you’ve loved me all this time, but then you tell me that you lost interest?”
“Because I know that you’re developing feelings for me, and I think it’s only fair to you that I tell you the truth right now,” I say. “It’s not easy to look you in the eye and tell you that it’s not going to happen. I never thought that I would do that myself. But it is what it is, and now that I’m being honest with what I want, I have to be honest with you, too.”
“And you’re sure there’s nothing that can change your mind?” he asks.
“I’m sure,” I say.
“Well fuck,” he replies. “I have never been in this situation before. I have never told a girl that I wanted to be with her and had her tell me that she didn’t feel the same. So this is new to me. I’m still not sure that it’s quite right for you to do this to me after working so hard to get my attention.”
“I know, don’t hate me,” I say with a small smile. “I’m still okay with being friends, but that’s all it’s going to be.”
I wait for him to answer, and I’m amazed at how light and happy I feel about this. I hate that I’m doing something that’s hurting someone else, but I also feel that it’s for the best. I feel that this is the right decision, and even if it hurts him for now, it’s going to get better.
“Friends?” he asks.