Page 52 of Let Me Love You
“And you.” Ali pulls up a different section on the screen and slides it toward me. I drag my finger across it, my heart thumping in my chest. I feel like I’m signing my life away. Like this is my execution notice. And here I am, accepting it with open arms. Once I’m finished, I fist my hand and force myself to rest it on the table. Like this isn’t killing me. Like I’m not being torn apart.
“Perfect,” Ali announces. “It looks like this is everything—”
“Do you want to hold him?” Eleanor interrupts.
Him.
My son.
The innocent bystander wearing the weight of my past.
I look at Jaxon tucked in his car seat, oblivious to the shit storm swarming him from all sides. He has four teeth. Two on top. Two on bottom. The front of his green onesie is wet as he gives me a toothy grin when he catches me staring, and Eleanor rubs at the stain with the edge of his blanket.
“Sorry,” she apologizes. “Jaxon’s teething and has been drooling worse than a St. Bernard lately. Here.” The sharp click from the buckle unlatching is like nails on a chalkboard. She slips Jaxon’s arms from the straps and offers him to me.
“I—” I clear my throat and turn to Ash, lost.
“Hold him,” she urges. Her smile is encouraging but broken at the same time. I don’t have time to decipher it. I don’t need to. This has to be killing her. Seeing me with him. With a baby who doesn’t belong to her.
My palms are sweaty. I wipe them on my jeans and grab Jaxon beneath his arms from Eleanor.
He’s lighter than I expected but heavier, too, and I can’t help but wonder how small he must’ve been when he was born. How much he’s probably grown over the last…year now? And I wasn’t there for any of it.
Fuck.
Acid churns in my gut as I hold the kid away from my body. Unsure what to do or what to say or how to even handle a baby. His little brows scrunch, and he looks back at his mom, as uncomfortable as I am, his legs and arms hanging there.
Eleanor gives him an encouraging smile. “It’s okay, Jaxon. He’s nice. I promise.”
“Hold him closer to you,” Ash murmurs beside me. She helps guide Jaxon to my chest. Grabbing a Tigger stuffed animal from the car seat, she wiggles it back and forth, bounces it on my shoulder, and, with a quick tap on his hands and nose, brings it back to my shoulder, turning the exchange into a game.
Jaxon relaxes almost instantly. His muscles soften as he melts into me. He likes it. The game. Ashlyn boops his nose with the stuffed animal again, and with a grin, Jaxon reaches for the toy, so Ash gives it to him.
“He likes you,” Eleanor says, watching our interaction, her attention falling to Ash again. “You’re good with children.”
“She’s a second-grade teacher,” I announce. My chest swells with pride, but Ash waves me off.
“Iwill bea second-grade teacher. I just graduated, and technically, my first year teaching isn’t until this fall.”
“I think that’s great.” Eleanor smiles at Ash, and this time, it’s more genuine. Less guarded. “We need good teachers now more than ever.”
Tucking her hair behind her ear, Ash murmurs, “Thank you.” She turns back to Jaxon. His tiny jeans have ridden up a few inches, and her touch is gentle as she rubs his bare ankle with the tip of her fingers. But she stays quiet, almost somber, watching him.
“So, have you two set a date yet?” Eleanor asks.
“A date?” Ash tears her attention from Jaxon and me to Eleanor again.
“Ali said you’re engaged?” Eleanor clarifies.
Ash frowns. “Oh. We aren’t—”
“We haven’t set a date yet,” I interrupt. “Soon, though.”
“Colt,” Ash whispers. A warning. A plea.
Eleanor’s nod is slow as she forces another smile. “I see. Well. Congratulations. You both seem happy.”
“I am happy,” I tell her with an edge of warning in my voice. Because I need to make my stance clear. What I want. And who I want it with.