Page 74 of Out of Reach
“Why’ve you stayed away so long?” Lizzy asked. She always did get right to the point. When Hawk didn’t answer right away, she asked, “Was it because of Hart?”
Hawk rubbed at his eyes. “It’s weird to talk about him.”
“For you, maybe. We’ve been talking about him for years.”
“But we didn’t back then.”
“No. It took a long time.”
Hawk studied his sister. She, of course, had aged, as he had. But he could still see the young girl she used to be. And with that came a flood of memories.
Before he could stop himself, he said, “I always imagined it hurt all of you to look at me after Hart died.”
“Oh,” Lizzy said on a rush of air, the expression on her face caught somewhere between sympathy and something else—something more pleasant. She smiled gently. “Mom, Dad, and I have talked a lot about Hart over the years, and we’ve all agreed that being with you was a comfort after Hart died. Almost like he was still around.”
“Really?” Hawk asked.
She nodded. “Yeah. You know, when someone dies, it feels like they just disappear. But because you looked like Hart, I could still see him every day…see the changes. I know what he would have looked like in high school. How he would’ve looked now. It isn’t real, but it’s a comfort all the same.”
Hawk couldn’t put into words how good it made him feel to know his family hadn’t cringed every time they’d laid eyes on him. The thought had haunted him for a long time.
“I wish you’d been around the past ten years or so,” Lizzy said. “We could have told you. We’ve done a lot of healing, once we finally got to the point where we could talk about Hart.”
“How did that come about?” Hawk asked, curious.
“Because of you, actually. I’d come over for dinner, and the conversation would come around to you, what you were doing, and why you never came to visit.”
Hawk inwardly winced, imagining their bewilderment and hurt.
“Eventually, it would lead to conversations about the past, and therefore Hart. It got easier to talk about him over time. Less painful.”
Hawk could imagine that now that he’d opened up about his brother to Jude.
“I didn’t mean to stay away. Visiting was always something I would do next month. Then, when Jude walked out on me, I couldn’t face it or you guys.” He sighed. “I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and part of me associated home with Hart, even though he never lived in this house. At the same time, that fact hurt because there are no memories of him here.”
“I get that. I’ve sometimes wished we’d never moved. But back then, every place they looked reminded Mom and Dad of Hart. They had to get away.”
Hawk nodded. “Do you ever visit the cemetery?” he asked.
“Sometimes. It’s a bit of a drive, obviously, but I go maybe once a month. Brandon and I went last week. Are you thinking about visiting Hart’s grave?”
“Yeah. Jude wants to see where I used to live, but even if he didn’t, I want to go.”
“You should. It’s very peaceful there.” She looked down at her hands folded on the table. “I was surprised when Mom said you were coming. And even more surprised to find your new boyfriend is…well, your old one.”
“I’ve never stopped loving Jude,” Hawk said honestly. “I made a lot of mistakes back then. The same mistakes I’ve made with you guys. I shut myself off from everyone, thinking I could keep myself from the kind of hurt I’d been through losing my twin. It’s taken a lot of soul-searching after Jude left for me to see.”
“How did you two reunite?” Lizzy asked.
“Pure coincidence. It’s a long story, but basically, it was a case Jude was involved in. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s willing to give me another chance.”
Lizzy smiled. “I can tell by the way he looks at you how much he loves you.”
Her words were another arrow to the heart. “I hate that I hurt him, and I’m determined I won’t do it again.”
“You’re afraid of losing him again. Don’t worry. As long as you keep even a speck of that fear, you’ll do right by him.”
Hawk fucking hoped so because he knew in his heart he would never survive losing Jude again.