Page 96 of Because of Blake
Michelle stays silent, her lips pursed, and her eyes narrowed. “Why do you want to do things without him?”
“I–”
“You ladies care to order now?” The server with perfect timing chooses this moment to reappear. We order our food and drinks, and resume our conversation as he disappears once more.
“You were saying?” Michelle leans her elbows onto the table, her hands folded under her chin.
A lump takes up residence in my throat. “It feels too soon to bring him on afamilyvacation.”
“Mags...”
“I know what you’re going to say.” I throw my hand up. “It’s been almost five years. Charlie’s not coming back. He’d want me to be happy.” I pick up a chip and stir the salsa, staring into it blankly. “It’s not that easy, Michelle.”
“Why?”
“Because of Blake.” I press my fingers into my eyelids. “I mean, he’s amazing and I’m overwhelmed at how much he loves me, but I still have the horrible feeling of losing Charlie altogether.”
“I thought you worked on that with your therapist? What does she say about it?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t seen her since before we moved.”
“What?” Michelle stops mid-lift of her drink to gape at me. “You still haven’t gone? Why not?”
I shrug. “It kept getting pushed back. Every time I’d think about it, something would distract me.”
“Well, maybe you should call her.” Michelle leans back against the booth, folding her arms.
“Why? I’ve been making progress on my own. Sure, it hasn’t been all roses, but a year ago, I wouldn’t have left the kids home alone to have dinner with you.”
“They’re home alone? What happened to Blake hanging with them? He mentioned that when we all had dinner. Or did I have one too many margaritas?”
I shake my head. “No, you’re remembering correctly. He did make that offer, but I don’t need him to stay with the kids. I’m okay leaving them for a couple hours. That has to count for something.”
Michelle’s shoulders visibly relax, but her arms stay folded. “Okay, you’re right. That’s a huge step for you, but what about the next two months? How are you handling those?”
“I feel good about it.” Lifting my margarita, I take a large sip to help wash down the lump forming in my throat. “I mean, last year, I made it well into April before I broke down, and even then, it was just a weekend of tears.”
“Wasn’t last April when you slapped your coworker and got put on a leave without pay? That’s your definition of making progress?”
I groan, tipping my head back a moment before lowering my gaze to meet Michelle’s again. “I’m not saying I haven’t struggled, but I’m getting better. My anxiety hasn’t been as bad.”
“Except when it involves Blake.”
“Not fair. It’s not like I’m doubting our relationship, I just need to go slower with some things. Blake is always understanding.”
“And does he understand what he’s in store for?”
My toes wiggle in my shoes. “He, uh, doesn’t have an opinion because I haven’t told him.”
“Mags,” Michelle groans. “You need to.”
“Why, when I’m doing much better? Even Sydney said I seemed abnormally happy for this time of year.”
“Yeah, but she knows all it takes is one trigger to make you flip on a dime. And she knows how to handle it. Hell, even Dylan knows, but Blake doesn’t. Me and the kids may be the ones who’ve helped you through all these years, but Blake hasn’t even been told about it.” She leans forward, reaching across the table to take my hand. “He’s going in blind.”
I pull my hand from hers. “He’s got nothing to worry about.”
Michelle’s mouth opens, but our server returns with our food, so instead she sighs and sits back against the booth. She doesn’t dive in like normal, but I do. I focus on my food, keeping my eyes on my plate to avoid her gaze.