Page 15 of Paying The Vampire

I leaned against the bookshelf and closed my eyes, collecting my thoughts for a moment. It had been so long since I had thought about this, at least before she arrived. Somehow her presence brought all of these things rushing back to the forefront of my mind. I thought I had buried him a long time ago, so deep within me that there was no hope of escape.

I was wrong.

And now I was faced with a choice of lying to her or being honest. I had sworn that I would show her no illusions and I badly wanted to keep to my word, but with this matter it was so difficult. As though she had a window into my mind, Willow reminded me that I had promised not to lie to her.

“You brought me here for a reason Cassius. If you can’t even talk about your past then what’s the point of having a companion? Surely you knew I was going to ask you about this. If you weren’t prepared to answers questions like this then maybe you should have thought twice about inviting me here,” she said.

She was right, of course, and I had known this was an eventuality. But expecting it and actually doing it were two different things entirely. It helped that she was obscured by the bookshelves. While I spoke I could pretend that I was talking to myself.

“I did have a life before I was a vampire. There are never any natural vampires born. They are only turned. That is how our race continues. We are little more than thieves, stealing from others,” I said darkly. “And we are taught never to think about our past lives. That only leads to misery.”

“Why?”

“There have been some vampires in the past who have not been able to let go of the past. They cling to what came before in the hope of keeping hold of their life. But when we become vampires something is changed within us. We cannot love as we did before, and we are not the same people. The ones who loved us see nothing but a monster, and there have been many stories of people trying to recapture what they lost and it only ending in misery.”

“What happened?”

“Some were shunned by their own families. Their children did not recognize them and were horrified at their appearance. Others were hounded out by society. For others the hunger became too much and tragedy befell their house, and then they were slain by those who saw them as murderers.”

“I always thought it was impossible to kill a vampire.”

“It is nearly impossible if that vampire wants to exist, but if they are ready to die then they can allow themselves to be killed. Such is the way for some who do not see any other option.”

“And what about you Cassius? Did tragedy befall you?”

“Some would call it a tragedy, but then again others would say that my entire life had been a tragedy, or perhaps a joke. Either way it was a sorry thing.”

“Why? What kind of life did you lead?”

I pursed my lips as I prepared to tell a story that I had not told anyone for the longest time.

*

“It was a cold, wintry night and I had failed another audition. What little coin I had was dwindling, while the chances of me ever getting a position on stage were growing slimmer. I had auditioned for all the best conductors in the city, and for some of the disreputable ones as well. I could supplant my income by playing in brothels and tawdry inns, playing songs that the rabble wanted to listen to, but none of those songs were going to change the world, and they were most certainly not stretching my talents to their fullest. I felt empty inside. I had sustained myself by telling myself that one day if I just applied myself and worked hard enough that all of my dreams would come true, that all great artists had to suffer until they made it to the grandest stage of them all, and then all the suffering and strife would be worth it. But as the years passed this became scant nourishment and I was unable to keep the illusion going. The bitter reality was seeping in, and this latest audition was the final nail in the coffin.

I had already been thrown out from home because I had adamantly refused to take up a job in my father’s company, seeing it as defeat. As the sheet music billowed out around me I began to reconsider. I knew I would have to crawl back on my hands and knees and beg him for a job that I did not want. It would have been humiliating, but I could see little other choice. I had no prospects for marriage, my name did not mean a thing, and so I was lost to the world. I looked to the moon and prayed for salvation, but I was offered none. I had always tried to be a good person and always thought that I deserved better than what I got, but in the end there was no sense of fairness to the world, and all I wanted to do was to turn my back to it.

Then I heard footsteps behind me. A figure came out of the shadows, more beautiful than anything I had seen before, the kind of beauty that makes you afraid to touch it because you’re afraid such a gesture would ruin it, like a perfectly still lake. She picked up one of the sheets and began to sing. She had perfect pitch and it brought new life to the song. She walked towards me as she sang and I was transfixed. I could not believe that nobody else was hearing this. It was as though we had the entire city to ourselves. She told me that she liked the song and asked me if I was a musician. I laughed, and said that I was trying to be, but nobody thought I was any good. She asked me if I had any other place in the world and I shook my head. I said that the world clearly did not want me, and it had been cruel of God to give me this dream without the talent to back it up. She told me she could make things better, that she could give me a new perspective on life, all I had to do was trust her completely.

The alternative was to return home and admit my failure, which I was loath to do, so I agreed to go with her. She took me back to her house and served me wine. She told me a great speech about how the world did not always appreciate tender souls, and that sometimes people needed more time than life allowed to perfect their talents. She said that a long time ago people had thrown her out of auditions too because she hadn’t been able to sing, and that it had taken her a great deal of time to perfect her talent. She said that she could give me the opportunity to experience such a thing myself, and that by the end of it I would be the finest piano player in the all the world, and nobody would dare doubt my talent. I thought such a thing was too good to be true, and yet I could not refuse the lure of the promise. I asked her what it would take, expecting it to be money, of which I had none. She replied that it would take my life.

Then she told me the entire truth, that she was a vampire. I was not shocked. I suppose that I had lost so much hope in the world that I did not think to disbelieve her. And I may have been mad for even considering it, but here was a woman who offered me a chance of salvation. I did not think about the many years I would have to spend alone, or the fact that I would not be able to return to that place and show everyone my new talent. I only thought of what I could be with all that time, and since I did not have anything else to stop me I accepted her offer. She pushed my head back and then she pierced my flesh with her teeth and changed me. In that moment the Cassius I used to be died. A body was never found, and the family just thought he went missing, drowning in some river somewhere like the failure he truly was. But I was brought to this place and taught how to be a vampire. I was able to practice for hour upon hour, year upon year, and in time I did indeed become the best piano player in the world, not that it did me much good. There is no use having a concert for a place with no audience,” I said, bowing my head. It was hard to shield the disdain in my voice, disdain for the fool I used to be back then, for throwing away all my life for my arrogance.

“Do you ever regret it?” she asked.

“I have often thought about what would have happened if I had refused her offer. If I had swallowed my pride I could have returned home and flung myself at my father’s mercy. He would have scolded me, but he would have given me a job. I probably could have lived a respectable life and perhaps gotten married, died with my family around me. But always there would have been a dead dream inside me and in that instance I would probably have regretted not taking Mother up on her offer.”

“Mother?”

“That’s what we call the ones who turn us. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if we’re ever meant to be happy at all. It seems as though the world is designed to keep us miserable, and no matter what we choose we shall always think that we should have done the opposite.”

“I’ve been thinking along similar lines. I’ve been thinking about what’s going to happen if I do awaken the wolf inside me, and what I’m going to do after that. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Maybe I should just give up now before I make life too complicated for myself.”

“The problem is that we can never know. We just have to do what feels right in the moment. I think you would regret not knowing more. At least if you find the wolf inside you then you can think about what to do next. Even as a vampire I still had decisions to make.”

I expected her to ask me what kind of decisions they were, but she remained silent. At first I was glad of this as I did not want to reveal too many things, but then the silence lingered. I peered around the book shelf, although I could not see her. “Willow?” I asked.

Chapter Twelve